My Life in Holland

End of an Era

2009-04-20T08:22:00.006+02:00

A somewhat pretentious title for a last post, but it kind of feels like the end of an era to me! I wrote my first post on September 12 2007. My expectations were high, and the writing was something I truly truly enjoyed for a long time.

Lately I've not had as much enjoyment in writing. Partly because I feel like I'm repeating myself. It is our second spring here in this house and there's only so much one can write about holland, flowers, and bike rides in the surroundings I think! And I feel like I'm on repeat emotionally, continually going over the same things. There is a lot I would still like to write about but a lot of it is to personal to be posted here on the net, so I'll probably end up writing a diary instead. One meant for my eyes only, with my hubby peeking in now and again so that he can make an attempt to understand what's going on in this head of mine.

I have gained so much through blogging though. Writing really has helped me maintain some perspective. I remember with fondness (and some longing) the days that I walked around eager to get started on writing, to share some trivial insight, or the highlights of my day. It's really been a lot of fun!

I'm also glad to know that I will be able to read back through this blog, to recap what has really been quite a turbulent period in my (our) lives. I've written about our move to this little town, our trip to Ethiopia with my road trip being the ultimate highlight. I've written about the different jobs I've had in that time period. The one in Utrecht, the one in Zwolle, and the one I have now. I've written about the different sicknesses that have kept our family busy. Herman with his ulcerative colitis, Tristan with his hemofilia and alopecia, and Marinda with Pfeiffer and all the "lovely" after effects. I've written about family and friends and marriage and raising kids. This blog pretty much covers it all!

Just looking back through all these old posts makes me smile. I'm thankful for the internet, for the opportunity to get out and write and have people comment, for being able to literally look back on a part of my life. I'm glad blogging encouraged me to look at things with fresh eyes, to see beyond the mundane and see that things are special.

Maybe someday I will get back to blogging again. In the meantime, I will leave this blog up for those who want to browse. Comments, as always, are welcome! And if you want to ask me a question or get in touch please feel free to write me at eliseblogs@gmail.com.

Thanks everybody!!

7 quick takes

2009-04-17T08:18:00.009+02:00

This is how the kitchen looks now. Improvement is coming in bits and pieces accompanied by aches and pains from my husband. Thankfully we've been fed at friends and family over the last couple of days, so there has been no more need for back yard cooking! Hopefully this weekend all will be up and running again and we'll be able to enjoy this beauty :-)

Work is a joy and a pleasure. Yesterday I teksted the following message to some friends: "Perks of the job; sitting in the sun by a windmill with coffee". I am going on lots of work visits to the local volunteer organisations. Over the last couple of weeks I've visited youth projects, homes for the elderly, an art gallery, schools, a home away from home for handicapped children and the windmill. I love it!

Marinda is home sick again. It looks like the flu. Tristan is lying on the sofa complaining of a stomachache. We are still in the flow of having a child or two sick at home at least one day a week. Today it's both of them....

Our front yard is blooming mightily, thanks to my friend Alize who gifted us with bags of bulbs.

I can finally walk up the stairs again without my knee twinging in protest every time! And with two staircases in the house, this is a real blessing. I will have to think twice about jumping on the trampoline again. I think I'm beginning to feel my age, whether I like it or not!

Currently reading Isaac Asimov. Love me a good robot story!

Just writing these 7 quick takes makes me realize how much information I throw on facebook through my status updates. Sometimes it's hard to think of what to write, seeing as I've already written something about it on facebook. Makes me wonder if I should toss one or the other.

Have a great friday everyone!

Memories

2009-04-13T19:58:00.005+02:00

Renzo found and scanned these pictures and posted them on facebook. I just had to put them here as well :-).

This picture was taken on United Nations Day at ICS (International Community School of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia). At this school United Nations Day was celebrated with a parade of flags of all the countries that had students in the school, followed by presentations from several countries. This particular year, my mom decided to steal the show with us kids. I was at that odd awkward age where it's only just acceptabel to stand on stage and sing, it verged on being painful!
We sang "twee emmertjes water halen", that's what I remember for sure! Funny thing is, we hardly spoke dutch at all at home, and didn't sing much dutch either. We might just have learned that dutch song especially for that occasion!
A couple of years later, back at the school after three years in the States, I was the flag bearer for the dutch flag. There's a picture of that somewhere!

This other picture is much older. I was showing it to Marinda and only then realized that my parents were much younger than I am now when this picture was taken. In their early thirties perhaps? Strange to think of them off discovering the world with four kids in tow, while I sit here, ensconced behind my computer, limiting my travels around the world to reading peoples blogs!

I think we look pretty good though!

Kitchen

2009-04-11T20:22:00.004+02:00

So today is day two of our kitchen revamp. Yesterday, after a long afternoon search, we finally found the tiles we wanted to put on the wall. We ended up getting floor tiles! Less shiny and more robust than the usual kitchen tiles. I hope it works! Almost anything is better than the icky color that the tiles are now.

I was telling Herman that I'm glad I didn't realize how much work was going to go into fixing this kitchen up. The dust, oh my stars, the dust!! As you can see right here....

it was not a misty day... it was the dust. Which obviously penetrated the house right up to the eaves. I have now "cleaned" downstairs, but I guess the rest of the week will be spent dusting and dusting and dusting...

This is our outdoor kitchen. Sounds pretty fancy, hey? I did actually cook on here this evening, on an electric burner. Thank goodness for good weather!

The hot water was off downstairs, so Herman had to lug pails of hot water up and down the stairs for me so I could dust a little. And I had to get the water from my soup from the hose outside:-). Later tonight this will all be covered up with plastic and tomorrow will be a day of rest.
I'm just hoping nobody will come by and steal the pans and tupperware that is still stored in the cupboards!

For Renzo and Joy

2009-04-10T18:22:00.004+02:00

On facebook, my brother and sister asked me what my favorite memory of them was when we were growing up. Here is my answer, written down for posterity:

Funnily enough, my fondest memory of both of you, is of both of you together.

Remember how we celebrated Christmas in Ethiopia? Gathered around our Christmas branches? Mom and dad had always secreted away presents that they had bought the summer before.

I think the first year I went to RVA I came back from Kenya with Christmas gifts for everybody, so there was a nice pile under the Christmas tree. You two decided you wanted to join in the fun and got all secretive. Pretty soon the pile started growing, with a mismatch of presents wrapped in all kinds of paper.
I remember opening the presents and feeling such a surge of love for you two. You had wrapped up your own teddy bears and other personal items and given them to us. It was so sweet!

The next year I was blessed with the gift of a silver ring, picked out personally by one or both of you. It was a silver filigree ring with a flower on top. It was truly ugly! But I don't think I ever let you know that. I still have that ring by the way. The fact that is was given to me by you two makes me hang on to it :-).

Although we grew up together, I don't have a lot of memories of you. I'm so glad I have gotten so many more memories over the last years! It's been such a pleasure getting to know you both as adults and becoming friends with both of you.

Love you!!

p.s. does my memory serve me correctly, or do you two have different memories of what I just wrote down?

Sister

2009-04-09T21:23:00.002+02:00

Lise, my sister, asked me when I would start writing on my blog again, instead of posting pictures. I replied that I didn't know what to write about so she suggested I write about the fights we used to have. So all that I write here is not my fault, it's hers!

Lise and I have an interesting history. Though I am the oldest, she was the fighter, and paved the way in a lot of things. She had fights with my parents, she had a boyfriend before I did, she went out before I did, she did a lot of stuff before I did!
I think a certain amount of competitiveness was there at an early age.
She drove me up the wall, regularly, when we were small. I remember learning how to count to ten before I lost my temper purely because she would make me so mad I would want to rip out my hair, or hers! The last time I lost my temper with her was when I was fourteen. We were watching Little House on the Prairie. It was summer time and our days were planned around watching Little House on the Prairie (I wept when the programming changed and it didn't show anymore). We settled down in front of the tv and got into an argument about who got to sit where. I ended up sitting in front of her at which point she started to nudge me. Again, and again, and again and again.... Like a dripping tap, you know the feeling! So I asked her to stop, several times (at this point Lise may have a different version of this story :-)). When she didn't, I totally lost it. I turned on her and beat her up and then left the room slamming the door so hard behind me it caught on my heel. I ended up weeping tears of frustration while cooling my heel under the tap outside.

I can't remember ever losing my temper with her after that!

We used to share a room. That was not a wise choice that my parents made! I love reading at night and she would moan and groan until I would finally turn off the light. Her half of the room was always the nicest. Even if I got first choice of halves her half would always look nicer. She had impeccable taste in designing then, and still does now. I used to be so jealous of that!

Since then besides being sisters, we've become friends. Having kids has wiped away a lot of differences. I don't lose my temper, we respect each others differences and we like to get together, even though it doesn't happen often enough!

So Lise, here's a little of my version of our past. Any comments? ;-)

Love you lots!!

One healthy boy

2009-04-08T19:31:00.003+02:00

This is what I love to see going on in our garden in the evening after dinner....

Much to be preferred over this.....

Flowers

2009-04-07T18:49:00.003+02:00

We came home to these:

and these:

A little view of Gorinchem

2009-04-06T20:18:00.004+02:00

We took a little side trip on sunday and went to Gorinchem.
The weather was lovely, and so was the town!

Anniversary Dinner

2009-04-06T20:07:00.005+02:00

See the squint? That's because the sun was actually shining!

and the nachos were yummy!

All that Glitters

2009-04-06T19:59:00.005+02:00

View inside the toilets of the cinema in Breda.
I blinked, and blinked, and blinked again, and then went for my camera!

Anniversary

2009-04-03T13:27:00.002+02:00

We're off to Breda for our 17th wedding anniversary!

Blogging

2009-03-30T21:51:00.006+02:00

- oops! my knowledge of dutch is lacking. the word I use in the post below does not mean what i made it out to mean, but I decided to leave it as is anyway!-

Instead of blogging I've been doing more chatting on facebook, catching up with old friends. I'm rude, I just up and ask people what they've been doing and what choices have they made. It's so interesting to see how peoples lives have turned out! I'd love to do some kind of project, get everybody to tell their life story so we can see what we've all become.

I'm not going to the reunion, and I've reconciled to that fact I think. Part of me was terrified of going as well. Because although I have wonderful memories, it's not like going back in time and reliving it all! People change, I've changed. And seeing everybody could also turn out to be painful in a way.

And another reason is the fact that I'm "lichtgeraakt". Lichtgeraakt literally means lightly touched, or impressionable perhaps? I had this feeling that if I did go back I would end up with a huge crush on somebody. Because that's what I did back then, develop huge crushes and date a lot! And I loved it :-). So going back to familiar people would probably bring back familiar feelings....
Have to smile at myself. Here I am, a 37 year old married woman, talking about crushes. It's my inner 18 year old putting in an appearance.

I have noticed though, that people tend te revert to old behavior when put into "old" circumstances. When I go visit my parents I'm a bit of a different person than when I'm here at home. Herman used to regress when we visited his parents, drove me nuts! Until I figured out I was doing it as well ;-). Just today I was talking to a 62 year old friend about this. Even at her age, family habits die hard.
A reunion might just be a feeding ground for regression as well. Though ideally, it could also be a place to see the person you once were, be the person you are now, and a place to treasure memories and build new ones.

Now I wish I was going anyway!

Summer time

2009-03-29T21:14:00.002+02:00

The clock changed today, daylight savings time I believe it's called? We slept in, contrary to our earlier plans to go visit another church this morning in our continuing search for a "spiritual home". Instead Herman and I visited a church this afternoon. An experience worth repeating.

Tristan spent the afternoon with friends jumping on the trampoline (yeah, the sun was shining!), laughing and joking, and raiding the fridge. Much to Marinda's dismay.

Marinda however, spent some time actually hanging things up in her room. Folks, I can hardly tell you how monumental this is. She had very very set ideas of how she wanted her room to be when we moved here a year ago. Stylish wallpaper, a new bed. She got it as well. And then everything just slowed down to a stop. Last year, on her birthday, she got a number of things to hang up in her room. All ended up standing up against the walls, waiting to be hung. This weekend stuff was hung!! As she said, "now it's like I'm really living here". And I guess that's been the issue a lot of the time. Just not feeling at home, and not wanting to settle.

But, some work has been done, and I'm ever so happy! I want my girlie to feel at home here, even though we know that next year summer she'll probably head off to college and out of here....

.

Today

2009-03-26T21:37:00.003+01:00

Today:

4 appointments at work
1 new database to try out
1 storm in a teacup which entailed a number of calls
7 volunteers to register in the new database
10 hours I should have worked
9 of which I actually worked
1 hour biking home and back for sick child
1 invite for dinner with colleagues
1 offer of cake from colleague celebrating birthday
1 missed lunch with a friend due to sick child
1 dinner cooked by mother in law
1 volunteer who's going to bike 10,000 kilometers in 21 days
1 colleague requesting feedback
1 wedding view

One long, busy, rainy day. A strange mix of good and not so good!

Life in general

2009-03-25T22:04:00.003+01:00

I was telling my brother this weekend that I seem quite able to "rise to the occasion" when needed in times of crisis, but I'm hard put up to deal with the every day trials and tribulations life can throw at you. Or at me, in this case.

The last couple of weeks at least one child has been home "sick" at least one day a week. Every day is a surprise, seeing who will be home this time. Tristan is not doing great, lots of psychosomatic aches and pains, he's not sleeping well at all. I don't deal with it well because I don't know what to do about it. I'm good at making big decisions, but the little daily ones....
If he has a bleed, then we can inject him and get it "fixed". This kind of stuff.....

At my sisters birthday somebody asked me how I had been doing this last year, seeing as she hadn't seen me since the year before. So I summed up how our move had gone, and how the year has been. And then it kind of sunk in that it's been quite shitty in parts. Sometimes it takes saying things out loud for them to sink in. Or writing them down, that will also do the trick.

Hopefully we're heading into a healthier phase now, with Hermans health improving and me enjoying my job so much more. But meanwhile it kind of feels like the end of my energy has been reached and every little setback asks more of me than I have to give.

Sorry, depressing post!

Marinda

2009-03-24T19:24:00.002+01:00

I finished off work on time today and headed to the library to see if I could find some new books. And lo and behold, I could!

Then my cell phone buzzed in my bag.

I got the following message:
"Baked pancakes, vacuumed, washed windows, cleaned my bed, removed clutter. Check, check, dubbel check =)"

That was Marinda! Later she told me she should have been studying for a test tomorrow and instead of doing that, she decided to do all of the above. It made her feel less guilty than just hanging around in front of the tv :-).
And it justified her not studying ;-).

Gotta love her!

Messing around

2009-03-23T13:34:00.002+01:00

Sorry folks, messing around with the layout! Everything does not make sense yet....

And with Marinda

2009-03-22T17:21:00.004+01:00

A view into the head of my 16 year old daughter....

1. What is something your mom always says to you?
"go away, get off!" (this said when she hangs onto me like a limpet)

2. What makes your mom happy?
"vacation"

3.What makes your mom sad?
"frustration when something doesn't go the way she wants it to"

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
" by singing songs wrong and dancing crazy"

5. What was your mom like as a child?
"introvert, in her own small world with her books "

6. How old is your mom?
"37"

7. How tall is your mom?
"1,67"

8.What is your mom's favourite thing to do?
"reading in a sunny spot while on holiday"

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
"clean the house while playing Marco Borsato real loud"

10. If your mom becomes famous , what will it be for?
" I have no idea!! "

11. What is your mom really good at?
"her work, coordinating stuff"

12. What is your mom not very good at?
"remembering lyrics "

13. What is your mom's job?
"coordinating volunteer work "

14. What's your mom's favourite food?
"injera "

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
"that she manages to do it all"

16.If your mom was a cartoon character, who would she be?
"a mixture of spongebobsquarepants and jimmy neutron"

17. What do u and your mom do together?
"lately, not much"

18. How are you and your mom the same?
"we look the same, and we have a lot of the same character traits"

19. How are you and your mom different?
"I'm much more laid back and less honest"

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
"i just know"

21. Where is your mom's favourite place to go?
"in the house: the corner of the sofa or if it's nice weather in the garden
in Holland: somewhere where she can bike or walk
in the world: Africa "

Interview with Tristan

2009-03-20T19:54:00.002+01:00

My friend Zan tagged me for this meme on facebook. I decided to post it here instead. A view into the head of my 12 year old son....

1. What is something your mom always says to you?
"I love you"

2. What makes your mom happy?
"a good nights sleep"

3.What makes your mom sad?
"when she tries something and it doesn't work"

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
" by acting weird"

5. What was your mom like as a child?
"how should i know! "

6. How old is your mom?
"37, even I know that!" (he's referring to the fact that I forgot how old I was a while ago and told my colleagues I was 36)

7. How tall is your mom?
"1,76" (actually it's 1,67)

8.What is your mom's favourite thing to do?
"going to the sauna with Alize"

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
"turn the music on loud and dance strangely"

10. If your mom becomes famous , what will it be for?
"by putting a film on Youtube made while she's freaking out because something isn't working out right"

11. What is your mom really good at?
"Swearing" (what's the english word for yelling and screaming but not actually taking Gods name in vain?)

12. What is your mom not very good at?
"making up songs "

13. What is your mom's job?
"coordinating volunteer work "

14. What's your mom's favourite food?
"lasagna"

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
"ummmm, ummmmm, i don't know anything"

16.If your mom was a cartoon character, who would she be?
"i don't have a clue"

17. What do u and your mom do together?
"we live in the same house"

18. How are you and your mom the same?
"we have the same ears"

19. How are you and your mom different?
"she's a woman and i'm a man"

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
"Because she tells me all day long"

21. Where is your mom's favourite place to go?
"Ethiopia"

Making a Difference, part two

2009-03-20T16:42:00.004+01:00

This morning I stopped by one of the old peoples homes here in my town to take pictures of the volunteers at work helping with breakfast on Make A Difference Day. One of the volunteers showed up a little late, so I decided to pitch in and help.

It was very confronting and humbling at the same time. My annoyance at the lack of response to the project kind of disappeared into thin air when I was greeted with big smile by a charming old lady, perfectly clad in her blouse and sweater, earrings in place, hair neatly tucked in a bun. She exclaimed over the pretty flowers on my shirt and counted them saying "he loves you, he loves you not". After which she proudly told me he loved me! And then told me to be careful, she was going to get in competition with me for his attention.

A couple of minutes later I spooned porridge into another ladies mouth. She didn't speak, just played with her bib and opened up her mouth every time the spoon came near. Later on she had her hair put in curlers by another one of the volunteers.

Meanwhile the volunteers upstairs in the same building were making friends left and right. Especially one of the men. He either knew folks, knew of them, or had played soccer with one of their kids. I met him a little later, walking back to work, and he said he'd be doing it again next year.

This afternoon three volunteers took some ladies out for a walk in their wheelchairs. One of the ladies hadn't been outside in two months....

That is what it's about after all. Taking an hour to spend a little extra time on someone.

Next year, this is what I will attempt to emphasize. That one hour of my time, of your time, can make a difference.

Attempting to make a difference

2009-03-19T21:48:00.003+01:00

Even here in Holland Make a Difference Day is organized. This year it's tomorrow and the day after. I came up with the brilliant plan of jumping on that band wagon to get my new job off to a fantastic start. The last couple of years a number of people who work in the town hall volunteered their time and did some good stuff. So I figured it wouldn't be too hard to motivate those selfsame people this year....

Sadly, my attempt has not been very succesful. I came up with enough one time volunteer opportunities for about 50 people.

Only 12 people responded.

I'm bummed to say the least. I was hoping to get this new job off with a huge bang, but it's just a whee whistle.... And I will have worked six days this week because of this little whistle. Frustrating!

Though I have a lovely thing to look forward to. Saturday, after all obligations have been and gone, I get to head off to my brothers in our very own car and finally spend some time catching up with him and enjoying the his culinary expertise!

Curry, here I come!

Boy

2009-03-17T20:39:00.000+01:00

Tristan is now reduced to owning one pair of pants. A pair of jeans, as a matter of fact. Jeans which creep alarmingly up his legs. He ruined his only other pants by ripping out the seat while jumping on the trampoline. And the pair before that.... he sat down on his bed and the seat tore right out of those. So actually, about 5 weeks ago we should have bought him at least one more pair of pants.....

So much for keeping my children fed and clothed properly!!

Younger me

2009-03-15T20:11:00.000+01:00

Temper, Temper

2009-03-14T17:38:00.003+01:00

Today I kicked my vacuum cleaner so hard it broke.

Frankly, I could care less. The stupid thing has been a source of maddening irritation since the day we got it. It's one of those modern ones, without a bag to catch the dust. Instead, you empty a container, and you have to clean the filter. And that's the part I hated most. I stood outside tapping the filter against the side of the dustbin, cloaked in cloud of dust. Didn't matter which way the wind blew, I ended up just about as dirty as the darn filter was in the first place!

I should, of course, not get myself into such a tizzy that the desire to kick vacuum cleaners into smithereens overcomes me. Much less should I act upon that desire. But the combination of having to clean house during the weekends and lack of sleep drove me to it.

That's a legitmate excuse, isn't it?!?

Saturday

2009-03-14T09:18:00.003+01:00

I have been so trained to wake up early during the week, that sleeping in has almost become impossible. If I make it to 8.30, that's doing real well!

But there's a lovely alternative, at least to me! I stay in bed, but with a cup of coffee and a good book, or in this case, the laptop. And then just bum around for an hour or so. Feels like a wonderful luxury. Then I get up, do some exercising, and lo and behold I get a great start to the day!

Ah... the joys of bigger kids! They do sleep in. In fact I think they'd sleep all day if I let them......

Pilates

2009-03-13T13:20:00.003+01:00

I went to Pilates class this morning. This was another thing that depended on the car, as the gym is on the other side of Nunspeet and would otherwise mean I would have to bike 20 minutes before I even got around to exercising! I don't mind a bike ride, but I knew I was not going to go to the gym for very long if I had to bike that far every time.

So after my lesson I signed up for a lesson every week, with the option of getting on this other contraption as well. Supposedly if you train on this thing for 8 minutes it's the equivalent of 30 minutes running.... We'll see about that! Next to that thing there's a Powerplate, so I get my fill of shakes and trembles and vibrations as well, if I want them. Hopefully this will give me the boost I need to get myself a bit more physically fit! And get rid of some of the tension that seems to be nestling itself in my neck...

I'm beginning to get a feel for the luxury of having the car. I drove to my friends after I went to the gym, got a call to see if I could pick up Marinda from the station (didn't have to but it was nice knowing I could have!), will visit Lise tonight, have a weekend planned with my brother, can finally get rid of all the papier we've got piled up in our shed, and have plans to go to Utrecht for a day on sunday. I just might get used to this!

There's only one thing. The car has been smoked in and reeks of cigarettes. Anybody have any good cleaning tips?

Rut

2009-03-10T21:42:00.003+01:00

I'm stuck in a blogging rut due to a number of explicable and some inexplicable reasons.

The computers have been hogged by the kids for weeks now. And yes, I know I'm the mom and it's my job to limit their computer time, or claim some time for myself, but the very fact that I have to make the effort is not conducive to inspired writing. I tend to write in a quick flow, a reach for the kepboard and "hey presto, there's a post!"

Work has been keeping me busy as well. If not in actual hours spent at the job, then in actual hours thinking about the job! Nowadays if I wake up in the middle of the night (which has a tendency to happen lately... even though my kids are big, in the middle of the night they need their mommy!) my brain starts racing and sleep evades me. I have a surprising amount of energy considering those circumstances, but not enough inspiration for sparkling posts.

And we have a car, finally. Can I make you laugh by telling you that we actually bought the first car we drove in...... about 5 weeks ago?? Oh my, all that time and effort (most of it Hermans) spent in looking for the perfect car, only to come right back to the first one! It's a green Citroen Xsara Berline 1.6i (this means squat to me, but perhaps there are car lovers out there who will know what I am talking about). Slowly, real slowly, the realisation is beginning to sink in that I will soon have a bigger range of motion. Take this friday for example... I get to go to my sisters birthday without having to borrow a car!! This week would have culminated in a grand total of 4 times that I would have had to borrow a car..... what a relief to have that done with!

More work again.... I really love it! Things to do, people to meet.... it's great fun!

I've been on a baking spree lately. Brownies for Tristans birthday, carrot cake for my old job, banana cake for the womans group, chocolate chip cookies for international womans evening on saturday. During which I got a lovely henna tatoo on my hand. Food for conversation indeed! I've always thought that would be fun to do, and the stand next to mine made them practically for free. Have I mentioned that Marinda is wanting me and her to get a wrist tattoo done together? Right now we're thinking along the lines of the name Maria written in amharic.

My social life has taken a turn for the worse. What with rushing between one job and the other my friends have been sadly neglected, online and in real life. Have to repair my ways soon before I have to do major damage control! I miss the relaxed tea and company with my south african friend here, or the booky chats with my other friends. Hopefully another month or so will have me in a routine of work, housework and play (not neccesarily in that order!).

We have been hunting for a good vacation location. Our very favorite friends aren't able to join us (you know who you are...GRRRRRRR) so we have to find a location which will afford the children some pleasure. And our budget is unwilling to stretch far enough it seems. So compromises will have to be made (to which we are no stranger). Sometimes living on a budget sucks. And I shouldn't really be complaining because there are plenty out there who can't go on vacation.

You know what really sucked though? Taxes ate up a third of my extra months work. Last month I worked in two places and I had pretty much counted myself rich with two salaries to spend. But noooooooo, I was taxed for two jobs as well and my word, that was a shocker! And it turns out working more hours is tax unfriendly. At my old job I kept 78% of my pay after taxes, at this job i will keep 69%. So yes, there is more money, but not quite as much as I had thought! Don't ask me about the logistics of all this, my brain shuts down when numbers come up.

The weather is sucky. I wasn't minding the cold too much, but now that the flowers have come up I'm longing for some sunshine! I can't believe I'm seeing pictures of classmates in shorts and t-shirts! I'm wearing sweaters and my winter jacket and gloves. No sign of warmth in the air yet!

Now I'm all written out. Hopefully the logjam of trivia which has exploded onto this post will create room for other, more meaningful posts. One of which is in my head, but not ready to come out quite yet.

Thanks for reading!

Goodbye Winter

2009-03-07T16:28:00.003+01:00

hello spring!

Night out

2009-03-03T23:24:00.004+01:00

My brother in law came sneaking in tonight at 6.45 p.m. and offered us tickets to the theater.
So we got all dressed up and had a lovely unexpected night out.

These two men kept me in stitches during their acting and moved me to tears with this song...
You're going to have to take my word for it that the lyrics are pretty good!

Mixed feelings

2009-03-02T20:23:00.003+01:00

Today was my last day of work at my old job.
It was strange.
I worked hard all day trying to finish things off perfectly, so that nobody would have any comment to make after I had left. Motivated by my great need for approval and affirmation. Hmmmm.
Then it was time to say goodbye. I figured an hour or two at the end of the day would give everybody a chance to relax and chat and have fun.
There was none of that.
We sat around in true dutch style, with a snack in hand, politely staring at each other. Meanwhile most lunches and coffee breaks are spent with people talking at full volume, and I hear the humor on fridays can be pretty raunchy. So what happened today?
I really have no clue.

I did get some lovely dutch flowers and some more personal comments, but all in all it was a flat forced occasion.

Ah well. Tomorrow I can go full speed ahead at my new job. Looking forward to that!

Just one more day!

2009-02-27T18:15:00.010+01:00

I believe I have mentioned how much I enjoy working closer to home. This is the reason why! Today was the second to last day of taking this trip to my old job.

Birthday Boy

2009-02-26T21:57:00.003+01:00

In the picture

2009-02-24T20:22:00.003+01:00

Check this out:

http://www.deweekkrant.nl/files/pdfarchief/HENN/20090224/HEN_HENN-1-03_090224_1.pdf

:-)

.

Decisions

2009-02-23T08:20:00.002+01:00

One thing led to another and a number of decisions were made yesterday:

1. We will not get the delicious car.

2. I will not go to my high school reunion.

3. We will try and book a holiday to Czechoslovakia (had to go check out the spelling of that one!)

- somewhere like this....

Saturday

2009-02-21T19:16:00.003+01:00

It used to be that saturdays were spent standing in the cold next to the soccer field watching Tristan play. Now our saturdays are spent looking at cars :-).

We saw a great one today, above our budget, but very delicious! It led to Herman using all his bargaining skills to see if he could get some more off the price. And finally we left, undecided, to reevaluate our financial situation. Keeping in the back of our mind our wish to renovate our kitchen (with my aunts kitchen), fix up our garden, go on vacation this year, and maybe, just maybe, have me be able to go to my high school reunion. Oh dear, that is asking a lot! I don't even want to think about it anymore until tomorrow.

Last night we went out to eat at Big Mama's Steak House with friends. Where, on the lovely menu, we were offered Missisipi crabs, Vegetarianan dishes, Forbiden fruits, Salats, and various other delicacies. Despite the spelling mistakes, we ate well, enjoyed the company, and loved the change of pace. We came to the discovery that the last time we went "out" it was on my birthday and that was only for pizza!

I came home this afternoon and considered house cleaning. Something that I have been "forced" to do in the weekends, due to a rather busy schedule. But instead I permitted myself a break and sat and read without a guilty conscience. Only pity was that the book was hardly worth it. Just a tad too sappy for me. But it was nice to catch a break!

Now I will go watch a movie with Tristan and make him a movie tray. Somehow a movie is not complete without an array of snacks to accompany it. Marinda is out with a friend and will go to the movies on the big screen. Which means I will stay up till she's back home. Hopefully this time it won't be neccesary for me to bike through the pouring rain in the middle of the night to pick her up from the train station!

Instant Gratification

2009-02-20T08:37:00.003+01:00

I have mentioned before that I am not the most patient type of person. In fact I love a bit of instant gratification. You know the quick surprise, the unexpected jolt of happiness, the spur of the moment impulse....

Sometimes I can get a such a kick out of seeing something pretty and then just getting it and smiling every time I look at it the rest of the day. Or grinning at a red tulip every time I walk by it. On the other hand, long extended waiting for something that I'm looking forward to can wear me down so much that all the fun gets sucked right out of it and it takes me a while to re-appreciate what's coming.

Take our car for instance. Or rather, take the car that we're still looking for, which is not parked in front of our house, the one we do not own yet. The long search (and I'm not even the one doing all the searching!) has just about drained all the joy of expectation from it. I really do want a car and know it will give me a huge freedom of movement, but all this waiting...... ARGHHHH!

I guess I'm weird that way. If I have a fun idea I like to follow up on it quickly and get things done and let a flow of good feeling carry me through the proces and feel delighted when its done. If I have to sit down and think about it, and look things up, and compare prices, and especially discuss it...... Well, let's just say that doesn't work for me.

Childlike instant gratification..... that's my kind of thing!

Ruminating

2009-02-19T21:17:00.003+01:00

Last night I was ruminating on whether or not to chuck this blog completely and just ignore facebook for a while. Because it seems I have nothing to say.

Thoughts aplenty in this tired head of mine, but nothing seems to be coming out that is worth really putting down into words. Guess I'm kind of tied up in the business of work and the trials and tribulations of life in general.

Over the last year or so, a lot of what I have written has come from looking at my life through "strangers eyes", wondering what someone who is not me would make of things. Looking at life that way has offered new perspective and made even the most mundane things seem bloggable. But lately I only seem to be able to look through my own eyes, making life seem terribly dull and definately not worth writing about.

This morning however, I did receive an encouraging word through facebook and it gave me a wee boost. So I walked through the market this morning realizing that that is really quite unique and picturesque and possibly bloggable! There was a nice tang in the air, and the market was not busy yet. I went to the bread stall and got some loaves of fresh bread to put into the freezer back home. All the bread, cookies and cakes spread out made a pretty site. Even the raw fish laid out on slabs of ice has it's appeal at 8.30 in the morning (not much appeal, but a little!).

I'm hoping my tired head will cease to pound and room for creativity will come back. Because really, blogging has been a very rewarding experience, one that I have really enjoyed and want to keep enjoying!

Random

2009-02-16T22:08:00.003+01:00

It's 10.00 p.m. Usually I'll be getting ready for bed around this time. Or already tucked into bed reading. But tonight I'm waiting up for my girlie, who has been invited to a party and will be home late. I could of course go to bed anyway, but I won't sleep til she's in, so I might as well stay up!

Tomorrow I have to head to work early while the kids get to sleep in due to their having spring vacation. Not that there is spring in site, the weather is gloomy and grey. Although there are little points of green coming up here and there in the garden, it's still very much winter.

I just came home from a meeting from my new job. Dropped off Marinda at the train station first and two minutes later I was at my desk. I still can't get over the thrill of working so close to home! It was fun too, more work added on to my steadily growing work load, but it's all stuff that is definately interesting! It still feels like I've found my niche here. Hopefully that feeling will hang on for a while :-). Tomorrow I'll have my picture in the local newspaper, along with a short interview.

Marinda is slowly getting better. She's been sick off and on for weeks with vague complaints like stomachache, tiredness, headaches, more tiredness. She had glandular fever more than a year ago, but the tiredness just seemed to be hanging on. On the persistant advice of my sister Lise (thanks Lise!) we finally decided to try homeopathy with her. And I must say, it works! She's really become a lot more energetic lately. Though she cancelled all her dance classes, she's now belly dancing at home with the aid of lessons through You Tube. Besides that she's chatting with friends through the internet and has even made some plans to get together with people again. It's a big improvement which hopefully will continue!

Tristan has a soccer and pingpong tournaments coming up this vacation. Also he seems to be getting more active, though sometimes this action takes unwanted forms. Like his being sent out of the swimming pool due to aggravating behavior. I feel I should be very upset by this, but actually I'm not. He's hitting puberty and sometimes it shows! And I also know that there were no mean intentions behind his behavior, he's just acting out a bit. He's kept on such a short leash at school, that I can't help but understand why he acts up in other places. And he hasn't been able to release his energy in sports due to his injury, so I'm kind of lenient with him when he acts up elsewhere. Does it sound like I'm justifying my leniency? Well, I am! This behavior confirms our suspicion that we need to send him to a creative school where he will be given room to grow , instead of a school in which rules and regulations form a strict protocol.

Herman and I are struggling to keep relating to each other. Our date nights have disappeared into thin air, and the effects are noticeable. That, combined with his long illness and my depressive phase, do not make for a very happy productive relationship. As always, we're working on it! We're getting really good at that! ;-)

So how's that for a long random ramble?

Puzzle

2009-02-15T18:55:00.001+01:00

Here's something to do while there's nothing to read on here! It's surprisingly addictive :-)

Men

2009-02-13T18:18:00.003+01:00

One of the fun things at my new job is the contact that I have with men!

The last 10 years I have worked in an almost solely female environment. I guess social work does tend to attract females more than males! The males that I did run into were often very feminine or very cliche gay.
But here there are lots of men. Lots of bureaucrats of the male species. My boss is a man as well.

So anyway, it's fun to get some male vibes going. It really is different being introduced as the new coworker by a man to a man. It gets just a little bit flirty. And when introduced to a group of men there is certain amount of preening going on. Not a lot, and I guess they would even deny it if they were accused of it, but enough to make me feel nice and womanly and even attractive! Maybe I notice more because there's been such a dearth of men in my work environment in the last years.

I like it though, it adds a bit of spark to my work, knowing I can use at least a smidgen of the flirting techniques that have been lying dormant for so long ;-).

.

Blogging without posting

2009-02-12T21:36:00.001+01:00

I've been doing some blogging without posting, which is surprisingly effective for the communication in the house, but not so effective outside of it.

I read this quote the other day on Conversion Diary . It's from a book called bird by bird, which I have not read! But this quote about writing grabbed my attention.

"If something inside you is real, we will probably find it interesting, and it will probably be universal. So you must risk placing real emotion at the center of your work. Write straight into the emotional center of things. Write toward vulnerability. Don't worry about appearing sentimental. Worry about being unavailable; worry about being absent or fraudulent. Risk being unliked. Tell the truth as you understand it."

It grabbed my attention because I love writing like that! When I write from real emotion the words flow and I'm almost surprised at what I write sometimes, at the ease with which it appears on paper (or the internet) :-).
But it also means that some of my writing is for home use only, not available for public consumption. And so it has been lately.

A blog filled with shallow posts.

Bear with me!

Tradition

2009-02-09T19:49:00.002+01:00

Dutch christian tradition leans strongly on reading the Bible after you finish your meal. Actually in really strong traditional families one prays before the meal, prays after the meal and then listens to something being read from the Bible.

We've tried our hardest to do something Bible oriented after dinner. First it was simple Bible stories. Then we turned to more complicated ones. But the kids soon grew tired of the same old, same old stories that they already knew so well. And it's true, a lot of childrens bibles have the same stories in them and don't do much or any explaining. Then we tried a devotional book, but couldn't find one to match both our kids. They have four and half years between them, and sometimes that can be quite a lot! The last couple of months we tried Mocha with Max (called Cappuccino here). But even that failed to entrance the kids.

A couple of weeks ago I happened upon the subject of Adrian Plass, and told the kids how funny he was. And then - LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!- we decided to start reading from one of his books instead. It's not a devotional, it's not Bible stories, but in his humorous way he does write about God and his search for Him.

And, yeah!! it works! The kids listen, and we laugh. So much better than all the complaining we had to listen to :-)

Isn't he wonderful

2009-02-08T21:50:00.003+01:00

Isn't she lovely

2009-02-08T19:55:00.001+01:00

Today at work

2009-02-06T14:57:00.005+01:00

I'm sitting at my work, which is located in the town hall. Right now there's a bride and groom getting ready for their wedding. They're standing in the hall, taking pictures, getting ready for the grand entrance which is right next to my office.

Yesterday there was the noise of the market, out here in the town square. I spent the morning listening to the hucksters hawking their wares, yelling about their lovely potatoes, onions and apples. Or flowers, cheese and bread. It gives such a homey feel to my job :-)

I took one glimpse at the wedding guests and immediately knew what church they were from. All the woman wore skirts and dresses in shades of white, black or grey. All the older ladies wore black hats. And considering that this was a small family wedding, there were just a few too many mentally retarded people to make me feel entirely comfortable.

Inteelt is what we call it here. Inbreeding is the right word in english I guess. That's what happens when one isn't permitted to marry outside of the church, and the church keeps getting smaller and smaller.

Sad, really.

Self -discipline

2009-02-04T23:07:00.004+01:00

I just came back from another womans church group. I think I may grow to like them! There were fifteen of us this time. Lots of new faces and plenty of conversation.

The conversation started off with some questions about the trials and tribulations of housework in relation to self-discipline. One woman had us in stitches as she described her vain attempt to organize her day by making daily schedules with her chores written down per hour. She decided to throw the schedules out of the window the first time she went to town and realized she was staying beyond her scheduled time....

Anyway, it made me think. I'm no lover of housework, as you may know.
But I have figured out what triggers me. If I get up in the morning and put in a load of laundry straight away it gets my housework off to a good start. If I laze around, eat breakfast and drink coffee first it's an almost certain guarantee that I won't get anything done that day. Sometimes the mere act of getting out my bucket and putting in some soapy water is enough to get me going, even if I really really really don't want to do any cleaning. One simple action is enough to trigger a chain of housecleaning events. Sometimes just standing up is enough. That's all that I ask of myself at that moment, just to get up!! And then to move on from there.

It makes me happy to know what triggers me in this small area of my life. I hate not having a grip on myself! Once I can understand something I find it so much easier to handle it. Tonight made me realize that although I may often feel incompetent and guiltridden, I do in fact know some things about myself. I'm still learning but I appreciate what I have already learned (even though I might not always put it into practice ;-))

Restless

2009-02-03T20:26:00.004+01:00

I've been feeling strangely restless lately. What with the two jobs and all, you'd think I'd be feeling exhausted! But instead there's nervous energy twitching in my body. I wander around the house thinking of what to do in the evenings. Too tired to socialize, not inspired enough to write, not interested in the books I'm reading, to restless to play scrabble.... Weird!

And in a funny way pleasureable. Because it makes such a difference to a month or two ago when I was feeling utterly lethargic and without inspiration. I've been thinking it would be fun to do some kind of correspondence course, or join a choir, or do SOMETHING!

Rest"less\, a. [AS. restle['a]s.]

2. Not satisfied to be at rest or in peace; averse to repose or quiet; eager for change; discontented; as, restless schemers; restless ambition; restless subjects. "Restless at home, and ever prone to range." --Dryden.

Any suggestions?

.

Cheated

2009-02-02T22:18:00.003+01:00

I saw this thing on other blogs where you post the fourth picture in 2007 or something random like that. So I thought I'd give it a try and asked my husband to holler some numbers at me, in an attempt to really randomize my search. But it didn't work! First there was no picture, then there was a picture I didn't really want to blog about, then I asked him to holler again and then I just cheated and came up with this one:

This picture was taken Christmas of 2004. On the one hand it seems only a short while ago, and on the other....
Tristan has his curly head of hair in this picture and is so darn cute and small!! Marinda is her gorgeous self, as ever. My hubby is pretty changeless, and then there's me with my short hair. (like you can't see that!). There's actually nothing else to say about the picture... maybe I should have chosen another one!

We don't have a lot of family pictures though. Looking at this one makes me realize it's time for a new one. Now to get the family in the same spot at one time, all willing and eager to get their picture taken.
Hmmmmmm......

Friends

2009-01-31T11:51:00.003+01:00

Last night I had a little gathering of friends here, to celebrate my new job. As I said to my husband afterwards, I think this was one of the first occasions that I've been surrounded by people I chose, instead of people that happen along my path. I have celebrated my birthday in the past and have people visit and come over, but a lot of them are people that I am in contact with through church, or they're family. For this occassion I invited my friends and somehow that felt very different.

Diffent and GOOD! It's lovely to know that I have friends here who each in their own unique way are supportive and fun to be around. And evidently when I gather them together, they get along as well! I've never had a real group of friends, you know the kind you hang out with as a whole? In high school I mixed and mingled with different people but never felt like I was part of a group. I've never minded, I still don't! But now it's nice to see that if I do want to gather friends around me, they get along with each other.

I might just do this more often....

25 things

2009-01-29T19:23:00.000+01:00

1. Facebook is like a blast from the past. I have friends on here from almost every phase of my childhood. Ethiopia, Louisiana and Kenya.
2. I love injera
3. Since meeting a south african friend here in my town, I drink tea with milk and sugar again. Love it!
4. My daughter is so pretty, it blows me away sometimes
5. My son is so big, I can't believe I bore him and managed to push him out.
6. I have to clear the table, instead I'm doing this
7. I like being in the limelight. Does that make me a bad person?
8. Ondengs give the greatest hugs
9. I'd like to go to my high school reunion, but live in fear of feeling out of place
10. Tomorrow night I'm having a little gathering of friends to celebrate my new job
11. Blogging is fun, great fun! I've dreamt of being a writer, and this way at least I write!
12. The longer my hair is, the curlier it is.
13. According to "color me beautiful" I am a winter.
14. Speaking of colors... my favorite color is red.
15. Reading is essential to life: as an escape, as a mirror, as lessons learned
16. Over the last 18 years I have gained 25 kilos, lost 12, gained 15, lost 18, gained 15, lost 3..... well, you get the picture!
17. I love SPACE, lots of it! Room to breath, to look out, to part of a huge expanse.
18. My ethiopian road trip was a time to treasure. What was the song we listened to all four days? How could I forget!
19. I've never been drunk
20. I love to dance.... but can't.
21. We've been looking for a car!! It'll be the first we've ever owned!!
22. Thank goodness for public transport.
23. Red tulips make me happy
24. Great quote: A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear
25. I'm listening to my hubby sleeping on the couch, my daughter listening to Lady Smith Black Mambazo on the laptop, my fingers typing on the keyboard, the new computer humming in the back ground. Life is pretty good!

Consider your self tagged!

Work

2009-01-29T18:41:00.001+01:00

Rushed

2009-01-28T21:17:00.000+01:00

After the relative peace of the Christmas break, the last couple of weeks have been rather rushed. The new job is a lot of fun, I can tell I'm really going to enjoy it, but the combination with the old job is just a tad more tiring than I thought it would be (hmmm, who ever saw that coming?). Add exploring schools to the equation, and you have a tired, but also fulfilled Elise. (I had to go back and retype my name! Have to get used to calling myself Elise :-)) No such thing as boredom going on right now! I had to laugh at the reactions I got to that post, knew it would hit a nerve with some.

So what I'm actually saying is that I have no clue what to write right now. Though knowing me, that could change at any minute. I am happy to say I have started to clamber up out of the hole I was in. I have gotten a bit of a grip on some of the dark thoughts that were haunting me. Thanks to loving comments, good books, arguments, some not so very fun moments (which yet manage to lead to some form of wisdom gained), eating better, talking.... well, you know the stuff that helps one regain some sanity!

In the meantime I may not be blogging quite as much, until I feel moved by the spirit to do so. Right now I feel like nothing is really worth mentioning, it's all a bit too mundane.

Hope you hang around though! It's been so very nice to see people following me here...

The school search continues

2009-01-26T21:34:00.000+01:00

The last couple of weeks have been spent regularly visiting schools in our area. High schools, for Tristan to go to next year. Because he's almost done with elementary school (I only have to take a look at the huge boy standing next to me for this to really sink in!). Next week he'll be taking the dutch version of the SAT's, which will help us decide which level of education he'll end up going to. Funny thing is he's actually looking forward to them! Looking forward to the challenge, wanting to accomplish something instead of being bored at the school he's at.

Back to the school hunt though. Each school in this area has it's own "expertise". There's a school which places a lot of emphasis on the arts, there's a school that offers dual language training (english and dutch), there's the school around the corner which prides itself on being small and homey, there's the school that aims for solid christian education. There's the school he can bike to, and the school that he has to take the train to (thinking of the costs here!).
Lots of choices!

So we traipse from school to school with Tristan hoping that something will click and we'll make the right decision. Someplace that will foster his ambitions, offer a supportive environment, and give him room to be himself.

Rainy Day

2009-01-23T08:28:00.000+01:00

It's 8.30 a.m. and it's grey and gloomy outside. I've just gotten the kids out the door. Marinda has an exam week, so started a wee bit later. Poor girl has to bike through the rain, catch the train, and then bike through the rain again! Tristan, on the other hand, walks for about a minute and then he's at school. He won't have that luxury next year. Most likely he and Marinda will be catching the same train early in the morning to go their schools.

Usually I'm out the door at 8 as well, to catch my train. But today I will be working at my new job and I get to leave on my own time. I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to be able to even think of having another cup of coffee, or maybe even get some housework done. Too many times over the last year I've looked at the clock wondering frantically if I can take a couple more minutes for the kids, or if I have to really race to catch my train. It just feels like an awesome luxury only having to take 8 minutes to get to work, instead of the 50 it takes me now!

Another advantage. Marinda will be dropping by after school today, it's right on her route, so she can see where I work. We can even go out for lunch easily :-).

The next couple weeks I'll be juggling two jobs. Half of me is wondering how I'll cope, the other half is taking it in her stride. I still won't be working full-time, I made sure of that! So it should be fine. And hopefully the thrill of the new job will give me a nice energy boost.
Just what I need to make it through another rainy day!

Moving along

2009-01-21T11:45:00.001+01:00

Things are moving along faster than I thought.

Today I had a talk with my new boss. An irritated phone call from a client kind of "forced" him to circumnavigate bureaucracy and tell me to go ahead and get to work!
* BIG GRIN * !
I am totally feeling up to it, and if my proof of good behavior arrives soon (fingers crossed), it will even mean extra salary in february.
* HUGE GRIN* !!

I don't want to get my hopes up too high, because you never really know, but that windfall just might add to my "get me to my high school reunion fund" and help us with a couple of other perks/neccesities :-).

It's giving me a stomachache to think about it (anticipation? nerves? hopes?) so I won't write any more.

Now to get to work! In the house this time, because besides having been to my new job, this (or a slightly different version of it) is also awaiting me.

Have a good day!!

Work

2009-01-19T18:29:00.000+01:00

In september I got a call from the volunteer coordinator in my town whom I spoke to back in february.

She called to say that she was quitting her job. And she called to say that she wanted me to follow her up. Oh man, I was psyched! (sorry, that was the RVA in me coming out).
A week later I was in her office chatting to her about the job and what it entailed. A half hour after that I was in her bosses office, having an informal job interview.

Then everything went totally silent, painfully so.

I KNEW she was leaving her job in october and that her position would be vacant in november and that I was a strong candidate.

So I waited.

Then I networked. I went to a volunteer conference organized in this area and spoke to anyone who means everything, including the bureaucrat responsible for volunteer policy. I sparkled, I chatted, I gave my educated opinion.

And I waited some more. Because you know, new policy was being made, lots of bureaucrats had to bow their wise heads over this job, opinions had to be asked and budget had to be checked.

Then I started looking around for another job. And got invited for an interview, in december.

THEN, then I started stalking. I talked to the boss, told him I was interested in THIS job. Oh yes, he said, we're interested in you to. But you know... bureaucracy......
I stalked some more. Listen I said, there's a big chance I might get this other job, whatcha gonna do about that?
A flurry of activity ensued.

Meanwhile, I did not get the other job. You know what they said? There's a job opening in your town. YOU WOULD BE A PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR THAT JOB!!

Finally, last week, I had THE job interview. Oh, they said, we can't wait to have you! Can you please start tomorrow?!?
Sure, I can do that, I said.
But... they said.. though we are offering you this job, first the director must say he agrees.
Ok, says I.
And... they said... we also have to get verification of your good behavior. This will take up to 4 weeks.
Ok then, I said.
But after that, they said, after that, can you please start immediately??
Yep I said.
After all, after waiting 4 months, what's a month more? Patience, after all, is one of my virtues ;-)

So though I may want to start my new job tomorrow, and they may want me to start tomorrow, bureaucracy will stand in my way.

And this folks, is what I am going to have to deal with IN MY NEW JOB!!
I am officially going to become a pencil pushing volunteer coordinating bureaucrat.
Yeah for me!

This longwinded tale is the tale that I referred to here.

Why was I being so mysterious, you may wonder?

Well, on the first day of the job I have now, one of my colleagues came up to me and said, Hey I found your blog!
This is something that I do not want to have to deal with here. The job I've accepted is quite a public function. I will have to do a lot of networking and I will meet a lot of people. I want my blog and this job to be two totally seperate entitities. That's why I have taken all references to my family name, my husbands name, my real name and where I live out of the blog. Also I will be changing the url, for extra safety. The new url is going to be www.eliseblogs.blogspot.com (I'll let you know when I switch... soon!). This way I hope to protect myself from unwanted interest in my personal life. It may not be enough in the long run, but I hope it will be enough for now!

So ends the tale of the search and conquest of my new job.

(and the flowers? I got those from Herman!)

Bored

2009-01-18T19:59:00.000+01:00

People, I'm bored.

I read a serious book, I read a regular book. I watched some TV. I did some housework. Chatted some on facebook. Looked at everybody's status. Wrote some e-mails. Stayed inside due to the gloomy weather. Read all the blogs on my Reader. Checked out new blogs. I played scrabble, twice. I got started on another puzzle. I exercised.

A lazy day is great, but too much laziness? Makes for boredom.

So much boredom that I will get up and do some more housework.

Now that folks, means I am REALLY BORED!!

Patience

2009-01-16T15:11:00.000+01:00

One of my high school friends used to say:

Patience is a virtue, posess it if you can. It's never found in women and seldom in a man.

Patience is a virtue, posess it if you can. It's rarely found in women and never in a man.

Either which way, I don't posess much patience. I'm much more of a get go RIGHT NOW kind of person. Sometimes that works for me, and sometimes it works against me.

Since september there's been something in my life that has been trying my patience in many many ways. I have obliquely mentioned this before, and have thought about it regularly, if not daily. Yesterday I thought I would finally be able to really tell something more about it, it was even hinted at in one of my pictures, but yet again, I must have patience. I'm thinking this is going to be a life lesson. I'm quite positive it's going to be a ongoing issue for the next....maybe years??.... to come.
I hardly dare say it, but I hope that next week I'll be able to finally speak up and tell you all what has been keeping my mind and thoughts occupied since september. I'm sure it will be a big let-down, but I'll let you know anyway!

On a slightly different note, but also kind of related, I've changed my profile name. I will now go through life blogging as Elise, which is actually my middle name. The e-mail adres on my profile has also been changed to eliseblogs@gmail.com. (Elizabeth, if you're reading this, please mail me! I've tried to get in touch with you, but havn't been able to) I will also be trying to change my url without causing too much havoc (and maybe I can prevail upon Renzo to help me out with another revamp of my blog? ;-)). So if you see a comment on your blog signed by Elise? That would be me folks!

So that's all for today. I'm going to crawl back underneath the blanket, wipe my teary eyes, cough some more and drink some more tea....

Things to do today

2009-01-15T11:03:00.000+01:00

Headache

2009-01-12T18:44:00.000+01:00

This is how the ill get treated in this house ;-)

Random

2009-01-11T22:12:00.000+01:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking, some writing, some talking, and have moments of satisfaction next to the moments of numb emptiness that are also there.
I guess that's normal though. Life never is a continuing vale of tears, even though it may feel like it sometimes! Though I have realized that feeling depressed can cast a blanket over every situation, sucking the spark out of even the loveliest moments. Kind of like a damper on the spirit.

Looking back over my last few posts I see that I have not noted any of the things we did during the Christmas break. Just for posterities sake, I will note them now. Because I would not like to read only misery when I glance back in a couple of months or so!
Facebook seems to be taking the place of my blog sometimes. I update my state of mind or what I'm doing on there, and then forget to write about it on my blog. But then it disappears onto the net, and there's no lasting notation of how time has been spent.

So here goes:

- Lots of scrabble was played. Marinda and I experimented with playing in english and she is a strong competitor (like in every other game! I rarely beat her at anything, smart girl as she is!).

- We completed a 1000 piece puzzle in two days. I got started, Marinda finished it off :-).

- We went to Madagascar 2 with the kids. "I like em big, I like em chunky, I like em big, I like em plumpy!" Great fun!

- I baked lots of chocolate chip cookies, with differing succes. On the day after Christmas I brought my offering of cookies to my international friends here, knowing that they would appreciate this gesture. They did! All other cookies were also appreciated by family members.
Fun thing... last wednesday one of those friends returned the favor. Finding out I was not at home, she then hung a bag with a plate of cookies on my door :-).

- Christmas Eve was spent in style at my sisters house. My mom once started the tradition of exchanging gifts on Christmas Eve and it's something we do practically every year. We did small gifts, which were fun to get and give. And then we gourmetted (ate food from little frying pans, each person gets their own pan, you make your own meal. One of my international friends here didn't know what it was, so I thought I'd share!). Marinda and I got some Lush soaps, which are now lying here and there around the house spreading lovely smells. Seriously, when you wash with this stuff your skin still smells like it after a couple of hours.

- We went to the Christmas service at our old church, seeing as we still havn't found a church here that matches with us. It was nice to be there and see old familiar places. Also strange to see that things are still the same.

- New Years Eve was spent with our favorite friends. It's so very comforting and wonderful to walk into a house and feel entirely at home with people. The kids hadn't seen eachother since the summer but they immediately settled down to a game and laughs. So we spent the evening eating, talking, playing games and enjoying eachothers company, followed by Tristans delight.... setting off lots and lots of fireworks.

- I got the year off to a good start as far as physical activity goes. I have a step thingy and have been getting on it regularly. Feels good to get the sweat flowing! During the Christmas break I also finally got some new clothes. Nothing is quite as miserable as having only 2 pants and 3 sweaters in your cupboard (I am not exaggerating!). This way I at least had something decent for Christmas! I went shopping by myself one afternoon and enjoyed the freezing views in Harderwijk and took my own time. I don't particularly like shopping, so was very pleased with what I got!
Stupid thing.. I bought an oliebol at an outdoor stand when I was there. It was covered in powdered sugar. So I made sure to wipe and wipe and wipe my face, not wanting a speck of powdered sugar hanging around to make me feel like fat woman eating... Then, about half an hour later, I looked down at myself and discovered my jacket was COVERED with powdered sugar. Had a good laugh at myself!!

- It's been the coldest 2 weeks in 12 years. There was natural ice everywhere and skating on it was a huge thing. Traditionally Holland is a skating country, so everybody was out breaking legs, hips, arms and legs (seriously, in some places the army volunteered their services in order to cope with the extra workload in the hospitals!). I've enjoyed the cold immensely, I'd much rather have a good chill than have rain falling on my head. But I didn't get out as much as I would have liked to. I only spent one afternoon on the ice, only to discover that my legs were not up to the challenge :-). Major shin burn was all I got out of it...

- I watched the movie The Beach by myself one evening. Lovely to watch something without people walking in or out or commenting!

- I made two new friends on the internet. One whose blog I read regularly and who offered to exchange e-mail adresses. And another person that I happened upon fortuitously. I have really enjoyed the new contacts!

- In a more recent turn of events. I went to a christian womans group here last week with one of my new nunspeetan friends . It was a really pleasant surprise. None of the moralizing, preachy type of christianity that I'm allergic to at this moment. More of a sharing of ones life and how God plays a role in it. I was heartened by everyones honesty and encouraged to go more often. So I think I will!

Well then, I think I've gotten some highlights down! Congratulations to those who have made it down to here :-).

Ice, Ice, Ice

2009-01-10T18:45:00.000+01:00

Child of God

2009-01-07T23:01:00.000+01:00

Last sunday we were at a church service organized by Hermans work. It was the opening service of the new year.
During the service I realized that communion was going to be offered. I had a silent panic attack. I knew that in my current state of mind, taking communion would not be the right thing to do. There are too many doubts about God, Jesus, the Bible. There is too much anger, frustration and bitterness. I cant even sing along with many of the songs because I cannot get the words over my tongue.
But... this is Hermans work environment. These people are his colleagues. The group was not big. I didn't know how I was going to get out of taking communion without people noticing, perhaps whispering, and wondering. I thought about sneaking off to the toilet at some moment, but knew that would look too obvious. My head spun with endless possibilities of getting out of taking communion without shaming Herman or myself.

Then the pastor spoke. He said, "If you believe you're a child of God, then you are free to take communion".

My panic sank as the realisation slowly grew that that actually IS what I believe. Don't ask me if I believe Jesus died on the cross, don't ask me if I'm saved, don't ask me about the Bible, don't ask me about anything else...

Somewhere in my heart a chord was struck. Yes, I do believe I am a child of God.

So I took communion and left with a new sense of peace.

A lot, if not most of christianity does not make sense to me right now.
But you know what? I am a child of God. That, I know.
So I'll move on from there.

Children

2009-01-05T08:42:00.000+01:00

First and foremost, I love my kids. I don't want anyone to doubt that.

That having been said......

I don't find motherhood fulfilling. It's a lot of damn hard work. And it's a huge confrontation with everything that I don't seem to be.
Patient
Loving
Capable of setting boundaries
Disciplined

I find being at home with the kids to be a huge challenge. I often tell people I'm not an earth mother. And by that I mean that raising kids does not in any way come naturally to me. I DO NOT for the life of me understand how people can stay at home all day with kids and find it fulfilling. I find it draining.

I'm most at peace with my kids when I see them enjoying themselves without me. I love to see them at play, or in laughing conversation with others. I love sitting on the sidelines watching them do their thing. My heart jumps with pride when I see Tristan on the soccer field, or Marinda on the dance floor. I love to see them bloom and grow as seperate individuals, each in their own special way. And I love that they are a part of me that I get to see grow up!

What drains me is the constant effort that is needed to decide whether something is right or wrong, whether I should say yes or no, now or later, whether I should hug them or spank them.
Raising kids to me is being in a position of continually having to question myself.
What will we eat for dinner? Let's see, he likes this, she likes that. Last time we ate what he wanted, now I should pay more attention to what she wants. On the other hand, they should just eat what I serve.
Clean clothes? Do I or do I not pick up their laundry? Surely Marinda is old enough to wash her own clothes. But it's such a hassle, let me just do it. But then she'll never learn. Do I or do I not fold their clothes? Or just thrown them in a pile in her room? Should I or should I not clean their bedrooms? Should I should I not have that chat? Because it's past bedtime.. on the other hand, they're talking, that should be important too. Should I let them finish watching that tv program? They need their sleep, but they need to relax as well.
Do I or do I not ......Should I or should I not...

It's like a continual cycle of doubt and recrimination. Either recrimination of theirs, because they want things differently, or recrimination of mine, because I should have done things differently.

This continual questioning of myself, of the kids, wears me down, drains me, sucks the life right out of me.

That's why I work. Because work is as clear as a bell. My job, my responsibility. You don't like it? You can shove it. And that energizes me. Enough to give me the boost I need to cope with the endless questions I ask myself as I attempt to raise my kids.

Goodbye Christmas

2009-01-04T13:50:00.000+01:00

Usually I can't wait to clear my house of all things Christmas. I mean, after a while, it gets in the way and turns into clutter instead of spots of Christmas cheer. But this year, not so much. I guess it has a lot to do with my state of mind. So it is with mixed feelings that I'm cleaning out the house. I'm not quite ready for Christmas to be over! Christmas music has not yet driven me insane, and I could eat another Christmas dinner :-).

Meanwhile though, duty is calling, and I have managed to get a bit of a handle on the new year. That includes buying a fresh new agenda and making some fun dates. Like going to the sauna with a good friend (and scoring some amazing coupons for it!). Or taking Renzo up on his offer of peace, quiet and curry. And being thankful for the positive feedback I received on my depressed state of mind.

Renzo gave me a book called The Road Less Travelled. The first sentence of the book is "Life is difficult". Somehow it seems like that one sentence was enough to galvanize me into some form of action. Because yes, life IS difficult in many ways. And guess what... I'm the only one who can do something about that.

My father took the effort to write a very encouraging personal e-mail in reply to my post. In it he mentioned the following quote.

Everyone of us faces the challenges of discovering the unusual, potentially limiting conditions of our lives, and then learning how to stop those conditions from disabling our spirits

Amen.

Thank You

2009-01-02T13:17:00.000+01:00

May I just say big Thank You to all those who commented or sent me an e-mail after my last post? It was and still is really really appreciated.

I have been writing, talking and doing some reading since then and things are getting a bit more settled in my head. Perhaps I will share more another time.

For now, I will end with a big

THANK YOU!!

Depression

2008-12-29T11:37:00.000+01:00

I heaved a sigh last night, when I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. My husband asked me what was wrong. I answered and told him I had nothing to look forward to today. Nothing except cleaning the house and minding kids.

You're depressed, he said.

– You think?

What I do know is that any form of passion for life seems to have flown right out the window. In the back of my head I'm writing posts filled with frustration and rage. Over those posts a layer of guilt is pasted. Guilt for feeling the way I do. For wanting to take escape.

I'm not tired of life perse, I'm tired of THIS life. I have visions of freedom, of doing my own thing, of not being worn down by the continual presence of spoken and unspoken demands. Demands on my time, my attention, my capabilities. They eat at me, leaving behind an empty shell with nothing left to give.

I don't like this me. Don't like feeling this way. Frantically I try to place my life in perspective. I have a home, a husband who loves me, kids who love me, friends and family who care.

But it doesn't help. So then my old friend guilt returns to me and tells me I'm ungrateful and should be ashamed.

When we moved, I hoped we had entered a new phase of our lives. A phase in which love would reign in our family, new beginnings could be made and a new life could be started. Instead I find myself weighted down by unmet expectations. By hopes that have been trodden on, dreams that have not come true. We are who we are, and we packed ourselves as well as our household when we came here. Dysfunction didn't get put out with the trash, it travelled right with us, and it's weaving its insidious way into our family as I write.

And I am incapable of stopping it.

There are always two ways of looking at things. Is your cup half empty or half full? What words do you chose when you tell somebody how you're doing? What words do you chose when you write? It's all in the presentation. You decide what to bring to the foreground, and what to leave unmentioned.

I want to mention the unmentionable. I want to uncover my dark side, get the demons out of my closet, from underneath my bed, put into words the depth of desperation that sometimes clutches at my soul.

I don't need platitudes. I don't need to hear it's the weather.

What I do need to hear is that this is ok. That I'm not a bad mother or a bad wife for feeling the way I do. I need to know that I am loved, even when I tell you about the nasty part of me. And I need to be given room. Room to be me, not someone elses idea of me.

Maybe then I'll be able to see what I have, instead of what I don't.

Just for laughs

2008-12-28T21:02:00.000+01:00

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

Christmas

2008-12-25T17:25:00.000+01:00

When the angels appeared to the shepherds, late at night, they sang "Glory be to God in the highest; on earth peace; good will toward men."

There's a dutch Christmas song based on these words. For me, no Christmas service is complete without singing it.

I thought I would share it with you:

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas Market

2008-12-21T18:52:00.000+01:00

Went to a christmas market with Herman, Tristan and divers other family members last night. Marinda was at the ballet with a friend. But that's not the point...

The market was in Kampen, pretty close to here. It's an old town with old gables and eaves, next to a river. A nice place to organize a market, Dickens style. Much to my enjoyment there was hardly a Santa to be found. Just one at the end of the evening, riding a sleigh. But sadly, there were also hardly any stables or Joseph or Mary or any mention of Jesus birth to be found either. Just one silly scene; a big wooden board painted with the traditional manger scene with the added attraction of sticking your head through so that you became the face of Mary or Joseph. I couldn't really appreciate the humor in that.

Anyway, here are some pictures of what we saw!

Gingerbread houses

2008-12-20T22:18:00.000+01:00

Lots of careful preparation:

Careful use of technical support:

With this as the end result:

Thank you Ikea!

Unsociable

2008-12-18T23:37:00.000+01:00

I've had a busy social week. Last night I was out with some of my volunteers, tonight I was out with my colleagues and board members. Board members make me nervous. I feel I have to be all upbeat and professional and all "yeah I love this job and give me more money please!!" all the time. And I feel a huge lack of sincere interest on their part. Something which was again made quite clear to me by the one know it all who bothered to start up a conversation and then got up and left halfway through a sentence. I think it was one of his sentences though, so that was no great loss!

Anyway, I find it draining to have to put up appearances. I was ready to go home about an hour and a half before I did and almost felt the smile on my face turn into a grimace. I missed meaningful conversation. To be honest though, I didn't start up any meaningful conversations either. So really, who am I to call the kettle black?

I have two weeks of free time ahead of me. I can hardly grasp the concept. And I must give the above mentioned board members some credit. I got a nice Christmas bonus. I'm thinking of turning it into the beginning of my "get me to my high school reunion" fund. Every little bit helps!

Now I will take my grouchy unsociable head to bed.

Growing up

2008-12-18T08:10:00.000+01:00

I grew up, at least partly, in a relatively strict christian setting. The kind of setting where dancing is a sin, and drinking.... don't even think about it! Sex before marriage, big issue, smoking... up there with drinking. Maybe you know the kind of setting I mean!
That's why it was funny for me to see an old friend drop by my blog and then scarper off as fast as her mouse could take her. Because in the last week I have blogged about naked men and beer. That must have gotten some eyebrows raised!
But I also know what it's like to see the complete opposite. People getting falling down drunk, lots of sleeping around, smoking... no drugs though as far as I can remember.
I think I've found the balance somewhere halfway. Although some would think there's no halfway about it. I'm just a prude according to some standards!
I have a drink now and then, but have never been drunk. I love to dance, but am incapable of doing it. I have christian and non christian friends who smoke but almost choked on my own first and last cigarette. And as for sex... well I have two kids, so I must be doing something sometimes, right?
I just realized that I can add blogging about sex to the things I've written about this week. Now I've pretty much guaranteed some people won't be reading this blog!

Just a note

2008-12-16T19:55:00.000+01:00

Just a note to say that a cold beer, Christmas music and a bit of peace and quiet have great healing properties. They should be put into a pill I can take daily :-)

Yuck

2008-12-15T20:50:00.000+01:00

I have a busy week this week. Two nights away from home doing Christmassy things at work. Sometimes that's ok, but right now..... not really.

Added to that I have some decisions to make and every time I think I've got things sorted in my head, something happens to make me doubt my choice all over again.

And I got told to take good care of myself today, seeing as I was pregnant and all.
Just one thing.... I'M NOT!!!

Oh yeah.... those peppermint candy canes?
They weren't.

So excuse me while I say

YUCK!!!!

Doritos

2008-12-12T21:48:00.000+01:00

I'm more of a candy than potato chips kind of person, but Doritos are absolutely my all time favorite. I ate them when I lived in the States when I was 13 and have had a hankering for them ever since. When my dad travelled to the States when we lived in Ethiopia, I'm pretty sure Doritos were on the list of things to get.

A couple years back my friend Sharon was coming for a visit to Holland. This was in her wild single days ;-).
I specifically asked her to bring me a BIG bag of Doritos. Imagine my surprise when the day before she arrived, Doritos finally hit the stores here in Holland!
Since then I can eat Doritos to my hearts content. One bag will disappear in a sitting if I let it! But usually I buy them to accompany wraps.

My kids also appreciate the gustatory delights of a crispy nacho cheese dorito. It's a small bit of heritage from their third culture mom. That and peppermint candy canes. Which, I am very very pleased to announce.... will arrive in our house on Sunday, delivered by an angel of a friend who stalked a store in Utrecht for me!!

Christmas is here folks! And the nicest tree ever, we all concur!!

Only in Holland

2008-12-11T22:47:00.000+01:00

Only in Holland can you go to a night in celebration of volunteer work and behold a naked man walking across a stage with only two thermos cans covering his private parts.....

Yes... only in Holland.

It's beginning to look a lot like

2008-12-10T22:33:00.000+01:00

Christmas!
I don't make the best pictures, but here's an impression of what has been Christmasized in our house.....

Choir

2008-12-09T12:11:00.000+01:00

Last night I went to a concert organized by the choir that my parents in law sing in. It was in a chapel about 5 kilometers from here. I had hoped to go with Marinda but... homework called!

I came into the church and found most of the back rows taken. Seeing as I actually wanted to see my parents in law, I ventured forth to the front seats. I actually ended up sitting by myself, about six rows to the back with nobody in front of me. Is that a dutch thing, to not want to sit in the front row?

The church was filled with grey heads and dark coats. Even though there were coathangers in the foyer, everybody kept their coats on. Is that also a dutch thing? To go into church looking like you're ready to run out at a moments notice? It wasn't due to the cold, because the heater was working!

I looked at the program and then sent Herman a rather desperate sms. This was supposed to be a Christmas concert and I only recognized two of the twenty songs! And the language! Here in this traditional, very very very traditional area great joy is found in singing old old songs. Written in ancient dutch. Comparable to singing hymns written in shakespearean english.
When I first came to Holland and went to church with Herman I would nudge him and ask for an explanation for every other word of the songs we were singing.

Eventually the choir came up and I got smiles of recognition from my parents in law. And then the music burst forth. Surprisingly good actually! I had expected a rather unprofessional set-up, but they sounded good! Old and traditional sure, but I still enjoyed it, despite the sonorous tones of the organ and the sloooooooooow tempo in which all was sung.
And I recognized enough of Silent Night to get at least some of the Christmas spirit.

That, and the tree which is standing unclothed in our living room, are the beginnings of Christmas in this house!

Sinterklaas

2008-12-07T12:51:00.000+01:00

We celebrated Sinterklaas yesterday with friends.

We went from this to this within a matter of hours!

Creativity abounded....

And there was plenty of good cheer....

An experience worth repeating!

What to say

2008-12-05T22:00:00.000+01:00

What to say about a day that is ending with me sitting on the couch with an egg on my head, watching Big Mommas House with the family?
I was cleaning this afternoon, in preparation for our Sinterklaas celebrations, when I impatiently jerked the plug out of the vacuum cleaner. It sailed through the air and landed between my eyes. Leading to some loud expletives and a lovely bruise.
Our evening was spent among ourselves instead of with our friends due to sickness on their part. We're hoping to celebrate Sinterklaas tomorrow night. I had my kids hanging over me giggling and squealing half the evening. Loved that!! It isn't too often that we spend the evening in the same room in the house. We even played battleship.
And on another positive side.. some other opportunities have arisen. Too soon to confirm anything yet, but I hope to have some good news in a week or two. I have been feeling very very gloomy lately, and this could be the good news that I've been longing for.
That's all for now!

The search continues

2008-12-04T20:33:00.000+01:00

The last three weeks have been spent looking for peppermint candy canes. A couple of years ago I discovered them in a candy store and started the tradition of hanging them in our Christmas tree. A very undutch thing to do, let me tell you! Since then candy canes have taken over the stores, but nowhere are they peppermint! It's all strawberry and rainbow and bubblegum and what have you.

But that's just not good enough for me! I want peppermint, because there's no peppermint that tastes quite like candy cane peppermint.

So I will continue the search. I have exhausted the stores in my town, the next step will be to haunt the stores in the nearest big city. Christmas just won't seem Christmas without those canes.....

I found my golden ticket!

2008-12-03T20:34:00.000+01:00

written by Marinda

Well, I didn't actually find it. I got it. From the department of Education to be precise.

It's called a CJP-pas, which means Cultural Youth Passport. It's a card every student gets in 'de bovenbouw'. (grades 10 to 12) Its purpose is to stimulate young people to go to a museum or theater more often. The card provides a 25 per cent discount at almost every museum in Holland and a shocking 50 per cent discount at all popular musicals! That means my ticket to go see Tarzan isn't €64 but only €32! This has actually made me consider going sometime. Guess the card really works. And that, dear people, isn't the best part yet. Because that would be that I get a 10 per cent discount at, here comes; America Today, Six, Accessorize, Wonder Woman and Cool Cat! I can go shopping! And surprisingly enough, that is still not all. On each card there is a €15 credit. And because Marinda chose art class, they throw on another €10 for me. That's €25! I love you dear Mr. Plasterk! [Minister of Education] He's a 51 year old, grey-haired man. But hey, he's giving me money!

No, I'm not that superficial. I actually like going to museums. Tomorrow me and my art classmates are going to the Krüller-Müller Museum in Otterlo, to look at some painting of Van Gogh. There are some paintings that I really like. Stop laughing, I really do! Have you ever noticed that in one of his self portraits one eye is green and the other one is brown. Really, here's proof. The left eye is green and the right one is brown. I always notice that kind of weird things. For me that's actually the fun of art. Spotting minor little details and telling them to the person next to you. Who then of course answers with: Well, look at that, you're right. I was there last summer, so I already collected some fun details. So tomorrow I'm gonna stun all my classmates and art teacher with my amazing eye for detail.

House

2008-12-02T22:16:00.000+01:00

Tired and watching House. It's been a busy two days at work. Nowadays I practically need the five days between to recover! Which is really ridiculous.
Anyway, hanging on the sofa watching an exaggerated medical tv program is enough to turn my mind numb and afford some kind of relaxation :-)
Tomorrow we're off to do some Sinterklaas shopping. We're going to Ikea, like the best place ever. Which means we'll either get breakfast for a euro, or get a hot dog and soda for a euro. And we'll get doughnuts for the kids, because around here Ikea doughnuts are as close as you can get to american doughnuts. Soft and sweet and sugary, yum.
I think I must be hungry...

Therapeutic

2008-11-30T13:19:00.000+01:00

There's nothing quite like cooking or baking for making me feel better. Actually I should say it the other way around. When I feel better, there's nothing quite like cooking or baking. It gives me a sense of fulfilment and an opportunity to express some form of creativity.

Right now I've got a pumpkin on the boil, waiting to be turned into soup. While scrounging around in my cupboard for a bouillon cube, which I couldn't find, I happened upon a kruidenbuiltje (a tea bag filled with assorted spices meant for chicken soup). I added that instead. Later I will toss in paprika and garlic and onions and then see what the end result turns out to be!

When I'm feeling bad, I don't like cooking. It's boring, dull and uninspiring. And baking... not a hair on my head thinks of baking.

So if you enter my house, and something is smelling good, you can be sure I'm having a good day.

And if I know one of you is dropping by, you can be pretty sure something will be baking!

A day in pictures

2008-11-29T18:52:00.000+01:00

A day in pictures, from the end to the beginning:

6.30 p.m.

4.30 pm

2.30 pm

10.30 am
(recognize her?)

Meme

2008-11-26T19:42:00.000+01:00

A book meme! What could be better? Thank you Dori!

Here are my 7 (ok then, 8) random book related facts.

1. I taught myself to read dutch when I was about..... 8 or 9. I grabbed a book out of my dads bookshelf and started sounding out the words and then found out I could read them!

2. My love of James Michener stems from when I was about ten and read the first chapter of his book about South Africa, The Covenant. I couldn't get through the other chapters then, but I re-read that first chapter many a time. I recently re-read the whole book. It was an eye opener about apartheid! I love the way Michener combines people with history.

3. My reading is severely mood related. I pick books randomly and love to have a wide variety to chose from. Experience has taught me that it's no use picking a book that does not appeal to me at the very moment that I'm looking at it. If I bring along a book I think I might like some other time I invariably end up not reading it. Making a list of books to read is a sure fire way of making sure I don't read them.

4. I am a walking disaster when it comes to buying books. 9 times out of 10 I will spend my money on some book I do not finish reading, or one that I hate. That's why I love libraries!

5. Around the same time I started to read dutch I discoverd a delightful word play. Flower and flour in english are bloem and bloem in dutch! What are the odds of that?!? I remember being charmed by this play on words and pronunciation for days. (so!?! I'm a bit weird... who cares!)

6. Reading is pure escapism. Yet I often find that issues that are in the forefront of my mind will have "magically" resolved themselves after reading. Some part of my brain keeps working, even when I'm filling the rest of it with sometimes senseless words.

7. I married a man who does not read. Ok, sometimes. One or maybe two books a year. He doesn't get my reading, I don't get the fact that he can watch sports for hours on end. Ah well... when he watches sports, I cuddle up and read. It works for us!

8. When I read I'm dead to the world. It literally takes several seconds for speech to enter my brain. Which means I get yelled at a lot.
mom....Mom... MOM!!!

Now I should be tagging others, but I'm not going to. But please feel free to share a random book fact in my comment section. Curious minds want to know!

Colds

2008-11-25T20:43:00.000+01:00

Due to an influx of colds (head colds that is) to divers family members, there is little action to be found here on this blog. Time is spent wiping runny noses, holding back explosive sneezes, and patting teary eyes.

Aaaaaatchooooo!!

Bless me.

Snow

2008-11-24T18:40:00.000+01:00

Home improvement

2008-11-23T16:41:00.000+01:00

Even though Herman has been sick, he has been able to do some home improvement. Like the painting of the wall that I mentioned yesterday. And the hanging up of these ethiopian paintings.
I'm grateful for him, for the handy man he is. Grateful that he has enough energy to fiddle around in his own time making our house that much more ours.

What to write?

2008-11-22T20:03:00.000+01:00

It's been such a hectic two days that I don't know where to start. I think I'll just sum up the happy points!

- I'm ever so glad Renzo passed his sports massage exam!! GLORY!
- I'm grateful for a good friend who helped out when I was feeling so nasty yesterday, and who helped transport my son to his sleepover. And who provided wonderful catering after Renzo passed his exam :-)
- I'm happy that I came home to find my husband had painted two of our walls red. (I have mentioned that red is my favorite color, havn't I? and that I have a very handy husband? )
- I'm thankful I can relax now, and not have to do anything for a while.

Boring post, I know! But I do want to keep the gratitude flowing, so this will have to do for now!

A good cry

2008-11-20T22:28:00.000+01:00

Yesterday morning I had a good cry. A sympathetic ear, a comforting shoulder and some new perspective was offered by my husband. It was with relief and new emotional space that I faced the rest of the day and the tomorrows that will follow.

Space which was taken over quite brutally today. I came home after a hectic day of work to a husband worried about pain in his stomach. A worry I share wholeheartedly. He's just starting to get better and this pain could be the onset of a setback. I also came home to a very disgruntled unhappy son, who has a bleed in his ankle which pretty much rules out the sleepover he was so looking forward to. My heart aches for them both.

I think I managed to rise to the occasion in my own flawed way, but this was also due to the fact that I had had my cry and (almost literally) had room for them.

So today I am thankful for a good cry and the room it gives to deal with what life throws at you.

Singing

2008-11-19T16:53:00.000+01:00

I love singing. I used to sing in the RVA choir, and I have sung in choirs here, but not very often. But I also like singing at home, loudly, falsely, in my miss piggy voice, or just melodically (or so I like to think). There's just a small problem. Not so much my problem, but a problem for my dear loving family members.
The thing is, I have singing dyslexia or something like that. Somehow I never know exactly what I am singing, so what comes out is often laughably ridiculous. Not that I think so, because I will keep singing it even if it makes no sense at all, just for the joy of having noise coming out of my mouth.
But nowadays I have to be very very careful about where I sing and what I sing. Because practically every single time either husband or children will look at me in dismay or simply burst into laughter. Today I was caught singing "silently, across my heart" instead of "sign your name, across my heart".

Yes, it does make more sense now.........
So I have to keep on the alert for when nobody is around so I can let go with a great blast of nonsensical songs. Now I find myself singing the first couple of words that I'm sure about and then tapering off to a na na na na which covers a multitude of verbal sins.

Today I'm thankful for a family that can laugh together. Though sometimes I wish it wasn't so often at my expense!

Ambition

2008-11-18T21:35:00.000+01:00

When we moved here, we pretty much automatically chose the school around the corner for Tristan. Word of mouth had it that it was a pretty good school, and come on, it's literally just around the corner!
We've had some regrets since. Tristan is a smart kiddo and was doing some extra work at his old school with other smart kids. The school here doesn't have any extra programs and seems to think that being average is quite good enough thank you.
Take tonight for example. We were getting information about different school options after elementary school. (Middle school and high school here are seperated into different levels of education, depending on grades, study habits, intelligence and child personality). There was a ton of explanation about the average level of education, and very very little about the options for smart kids.
And that bothers me. Because I think Tristan should be ambitious, and I think we should be ambitious with him. I don't think it's ok for him to chose to go to an easy school where he won't have to do anything to get good grades. I want him to be challenged, to want to learn, to aim high. And that is seemingly not done here. Being average is quite good enough. Which means we'll have to get a bit stubborn and search a bit further to find the school that will encourage him and not endorse averageness.

So what am I grateful for? For my smart kid. Because I really do realize that that is a gift and not something to be taken for granted. And I'm grateful for a school system which creates room for kids with all kinds of capabilities, making it possible for practically any child to find the niche that he or she will fit into. Even if that niche then means you can settle into being average :-)

Thankful

2008-11-17T20:23:00.000+01:00

Being thankful is no hardship today!

Yesterday morning I decided to bake an apple pie. Just because we had a lot of apples, and I felt like it. While making it I was thinking about how we rarely have visitors here, in contrast to when we lived in Houten. We often had people over then, and I love baking and cooking for an appreciative audience.
About an hour later a good friend called and asked if she, hubby and kids could come by. So they did, and we had a good time visiting and eating that apple pie! And then we added on some soup and sandwiches so that they could stay a bit longer

Then this morning started off with me actually getting some time alone in the house. The kids were at school and Herman was off at a work thingy for at least part of the day. Which meant I got to turn up the music real loud, do some crazy singing, talk to myself, invite friends over for coffee, clean the house and so forth and so on and all IN MY OWN TIME!! That is pretty precious to me!

I ended up having a delightfully productive day. The house is clean (enough), I changed the beds, did major grocery shopping, cooked food, had a friend over for coffee in the morning (she brought cake!!) and one for tea in the afternoon (she brought flowers!!), washed dishes, got my cell phone working again, read a little, blogged a little, ate at the dinner table like a civilized family..... Very very fulfilling, a day like today!

Now I will go up and do the last of my chores for today; folding up a huge pile of laundry. I will be able to leave for work tomorrow with peace of mind about the state the house is in. Lovely thought, that is! And I am every so grateful for friends I can chat with and bake pies for!

Night of the Proms

2008-11-16T13:28:00.000+01:00

I was out with Herman and some other family members last friday. We went to Night of the Proms, which is a kind of pop meets classic music evening. Held in a huge stadium with a couple thousand people attending.
One of the stars of the evening was Sinead O'Connor. Everybody remember her song Nothing Compares to You? That song is irrevocably linked to my dating Herman way back when.

She came on stage wearing a wide black pants and a tunic, not a trace of make-up on her face. She closed her eyes, opened her throat and SANG! No gyrating, no flirting with the camera, no pretensions whatsoever. She looked completely approachable, like you would strike up an easy conversation with her while standing in the grocery line. She was so normal, it was almost odd.

Close behind her the lead singer of the Simple Minds came on stage. That was another story. An old geezer, attempting desperately to look cool. He did the gyrating, leaning into the audience, grabbing peoples hands and so forth and so on. He wore too tight jeans and to my taste, kind of made a fool of himself. Him I would not say Hi to, it would feed his ego too much. (yeah right, like my saying Hi would matter to him! well... you know what I mean!).

So I guess I'm grateful for stars who act like normal people, who give you a chance to enjoy music for what it is. Glorious sounds, no show needed.

Blogging

2008-11-15T21:16:00.000+01:00

I have not been a faithful blogger lately. I have made do with answering questions, or not writing at all, or very little. To be honest, the lack of comments has been demotivating me. Makes me wonder if I should be paying more attention to my content as wise bloggers say you should do. Not that I have ever had a ton of comments, but I crave feedback in all kinds of shapes and forms! And sometimes the lack of it makes me forget that I like writing, even if it is about boring and mundane things. And I guess that my life has been feeling rather boring and mundane lately, which is also not conducive to creative writing. I find myself having to think a lot harder about things to write, instead of my writing in my head all day long!

Now I'm going to try to do a month of gratitude, posting something I'm happy about every day. It may be tagged on to a post which is miserable and gloomy, but I am really going to try!

Today I'm grateful for a jaunt in the town center with Marinda. Sinterklaas arrived today, which meant the center was crowded with moms and dads carrying little zwarte pieten on their shoulders. There was the smell of oliebollen in the air, and the stores were crowded with people buying the first presents needed to put in their childrens shoes.

As did I. Actually I already have some gifts stored away for putting in the shoes. Tonight, before they go to bed, I will again threaten the children with no gift if they don't sing at least one Sinterklaas song. We have to keep some form of tradition going here!!

Pain

2008-11-12T19:59:00.000+01:00

Today I saw pain in different forms.

I was visiting one of my volunteers, a 71 year old woman. We chatted and then I brought up the subject of her insecurity while on the phone. I wondered why she often sounded so hesitant when she had to make a call and asked if there was anything I could do to make it easier for her.
I could see something happening to her, her face became still in that tight closed way that makes you realize something is happening inside. Then she told me with tears in her eyes it was the memory of her mother. Her mother, who always compared her to her sister, who didn't mean to hurt her, but did, by wanting her to be something she was not.
Old pain, yet still so very visible after so many many years....

I came back to the office, and called another volunteer who had asked to talk to me. She is 80 years old. She told me, with her voice raw with pain and choked with tears, that she had just heard that her 33 year old granddaughter was going to die within 6 months. Breast cancer, just married, young child.
Recent, fresh pain, still hard to grasp.

It was a hard day.

Food

2008-11-10T18:35:00.000+01:00

We ate wraps tonight, and somehow that felt wrong. The sun wasn't shining, it wasn't warm, the doors weren't open to let in the fresh air, there was no ice cream for desert. Instead it was dark outside, there were candles burning, the doors were firmly shut and the heater was on. It's autumn! And wraps are summer food. Or so I like to think.

Days like this are days for solid meat and potato meals. Like stamppotten, a staple in the dutch diet. Which usually amount to masses of potatos and veggies mashed together, with a bit of meat on the side. I have learned to like them! One of the easiest is hutspot, which I think is really dutch: potatos, onions and carrots boiled together and then mashed. Gravy on top and a meatball and you're all done. No culinary finesse involved in making that! Though the last time I made it I added chunky bits of salami and it was pretty good! I just searched the internet for an appetizing picture of it, but that is not to be found. It just looks like orange gloop on a plate. I have no idea how you could tart that up to look really appetizing!

Another autumny, wintery dish would be stoofpeertjes, otherwise known as stewed pears. Not sure if that's what they're called actually. But I like to stew my pears in red wine with lots of spices so that they turn a beautiful color and taste and look scrumptious. And they make the whole house smell great.

My mother in law makes sudderlapjes, meat cooked on a low heat source for a long time till it gets all soft and full of flavor. What would the name of that be? Stewed meat? Doesn't sound appetizing at all. But it does taste good! Here's a lyrical description of exactly what this kind of food does for the soul. No one can quite put things into words like she can.

Any suggestions for other great winter food?