Usually I can't wait to clear my house of all things Christmas. I mean, after a while, it gets in the way and turns into clutter instead of spots of Christmas cheer. But this year, not so much. I guess it has a lot to do with my state of mind. So it is with mixed feelings that I'm cleaning out the house. I'm not quite ready for Christmas to be over! Christmas music has not yet driven me insane, and I could eat another Christmas dinner :-).
Meanwhile though, duty is calling, and I have managed to get a bit of a handle on the new year. That includes buying a fresh new agenda and making some fun dates. Like going to the sauna with a good friend (and scoring some amazing coupons for it!). Or taking Renzo up on his offer of peace, quiet and curry. And being thankful for the positive feedback I received on my depressed state of mind.
Renzo gave me a book called The Road Less Travelled. The first sentence of the book is "Life is difficult". Somehow it seems like that one sentence was enough to galvanize me into some form of action. Because yes, life IS difficult in many ways. And guess what... I'm the only one who can do something about that.
My father took the effort to write a very encouraging personal e-mail in reply to my post. In it he mentioned the following quote.
Everyone of us faces the challenges of discovering the unusual, potentially limiting conditions of our lives, and then learning how to stop those conditions from disabling our spirits
Amen.
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
What do YOU like about yourself?
I cheated a bit, because the question I picked was just too hard. So I'll save it for another time.
Instead, I picked out this question...
What do you like most about yourself??
Now my first reaction "should" be: oh no, how difficult, I can't think of anything nice about myself (and I should be blushing and simpering while saying this). I say "should" because evidently that's how we are raised -especially here in Holland-. To be perfectly and completely capable of saying the most denigrating things about yourself and to have a really hard time saying something nice.
The funny thing is, that although I am most definately not the most positive person in the world, especially about myself, I am also not so stupid that I can't realize that I am a nice person and that there are nice things that people can say about me. And there are nice things that I can say about myself. And really?? I think that everybody should be able to do that. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is all bad. I really sincerely believe that there is something good in pretty much everybody if you look hard enough, and there is most definately something nice in YOU, dear reader!! (just the fact that you are reading this means you're nice, real real nice!!)
Anyway, after this little rant, what's the answer to the question? I think what I like most about myself is my friendliness. I am open for contact with others and hope and think that I can be pretty unjudgemental, meaning that I can get along with a wide variety of people. The odder, the better sometimes!
Now I know I havn't had a lot of comments lately (bless you if you have commented, you have no idea how encouraging it is!) but would you, could you please write down what it is you like about yourself? One word will do!
Instead, I picked out this question...
What do you like most about yourself??
Now my first reaction "should" be: oh no, how difficult, I can't think of anything nice about myself (and I should be blushing and simpering while saying this). I say "should" because evidently that's how we are raised -especially here in Holland-. To be perfectly and completely capable of saying the most denigrating things about yourself and to have a really hard time saying something nice.
The funny thing is, that although I am most definately not the most positive person in the world, especially about myself, I am also not so stupid that I can't realize that I am a nice person and that there are nice things that people can say about me. And there are nice things that I can say about myself. And really?? I think that everybody should be able to do that. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is all bad. I really sincerely believe that there is something good in pretty much everybody if you look hard enough, and there is most definately something nice in YOU, dear reader!! (just the fact that you are reading this means you're nice, real real nice!!)
Anyway, after this little rant, what's the answer to the question? I think what I like most about myself is my friendliness. I am open for contact with others and hope and think that I can be pretty unjudgemental, meaning that I can get along with a wide variety of people. The odder, the better sometimes!
Now I know I havn't had a lot of comments lately (bless you if you have commented, you have no idea how encouraging it is!) but would you, could you please write down what it is you like about yourself? One word will do!
Home Sweet Home
Somehow it feels good to be home. Despite the fact that Herman, Tristan and Marinda are sick. Hermans ulcerative colitis is taking a turn for the worse, Tristan is "school sick", and Marinda seems to be heading toward a nice batch of the flu.
And yet, it's nice to be home.
Maybe it's because it feels good to be needed. Needed for remembering not to put butter on Marinda's bread. Needed to pick up the phone and hear the details of a day. Needed to sympathize with aches and pains. Needed to cook and clean. And needed to be me.... plain simple naggy old me; imperfect, impatient, restless old me.
Somehow, I can't be missed, and I can't help but feel grateful because of it!
And yet, it's nice to be home.
Maybe it's because it feels good to be needed. Needed for remembering not to put butter on Marinda's bread. Needed to pick up the phone and hear the details of a day. Needed to sympathize with aches and pains. Needed to cook and clean. And needed to be me.... plain simple naggy old me; imperfect, impatient, restless old me.
Somehow, I can't be missed, and I can't help but feel grateful because of it!
First job
I'm reading a book by Toni Maguire called "Don't tell Mummy". It's about her experience with incest as a child. It made me think of my first job after Marinda was born. It was an office job, transcribing the dictated reports that doctors made on different cases of child abuse. It was very strange, sitting there with a headphone on my head, typing away, while details of the different cases were dictated into my ears. Thankfully, there were no graphic details involved, and something about hearing a monotone voice (even mentioning where to place commas and points) managed to make even the most awful story seem almost humdrum.
I worked there for a year.
I havn't worked with anything even remotely resembling child abuse since then. I don't think I could handle it. Though I am a qualified social worker, getting into the sad details of somebody's life is not something I handle well. Like my friend exclaimed the other day.... "so you're really not a counselor!". No, I really am not. I am perfectly capable of listening to somebody's story and showing sympathy, and I like to think that I can empathize, but there's not enough of that in me to want to commit to personally helping people with therapy or counseling.
I guess I should just be thankful that there is also room in this world for an organizing junky like me, paving the way so that others can do the helping (of which I have been the grateful recipient on many, many occasions).
I worked there for a year.
I havn't worked with anything even remotely resembling child abuse since then. I don't think I could handle it. Though I am a qualified social worker, getting into the sad details of somebody's life is not something I handle well. Like my friend exclaimed the other day.... "so you're really not a counselor!". No, I really am not. I am perfectly capable of listening to somebody's story and showing sympathy, and I like to think that I can empathize, but there's not enough of that in me to want to commit to personally helping people with therapy or counseling.
I guess I should just be thankful that there is also room in this world for an organizing junky like me, paving the way so that others can do the helping (of which I have been the grateful recipient on many, many occasions).
Cheating
I read an article in a dutch newspaper today which made me feel good about myself :-)
The subject was cheating.
I have a strongly developed conscience. Maybe that's because of my moms eagle eye. Somehow she always knew when I was lying, no matter how honest I tried to look. And to me, cheating is like lying. You're pretty much telling somebody that you did the work that you didn't do. Besides that, it has always bugged me when people take advantage of my hard work by cheating off of me. Go do your own hard work, will ya!!
So this article in a dutch newspaper was food for my ego.
Did you know that "The study of students at one Ohio university found that students who scored high on measures of courage, empathy and honesty were less likely than others to report their cheating in the past – or intending to cheat in the future."
and
"People who don’t cheat “have a more positive view of others..”.
Yeah for me!!
;-)
The subject was cheating.
I have a strongly developed conscience. Maybe that's because of my moms eagle eye. Somehow she always knew when I was lying, no matter how honest I tried to look. And to me, cheating is like lying. You're pretty much telling somebody that you did the work that you didn't do. Besides that, it has always bugged me when people take advantage of my hard work by cheating off of me. Go do your own hard work, will ya!!
So this article in a dutch newspaper was food for my ego.
Did you know that "The study of students at one Ohio university found that students who scored high on measures of courage, empathy and honesty were less likely than others to report their cheating in the past – or intending to cheat in the future."
and
"People who don’t cheat “have a more positive view of others..”.
Yeah for me!!
;-)
Advice
I hate it when people give me advice. It usually makes me want to get up and do the complete opposite. But my goodness, how often I catch myself giving advice or being tempted to do so! And that's a drive that's hard to resist because I am the tactful type of person who thinks she knows things better. Or maybe it's the dutch rudeness in me popping up. Evidently dutch are known for being rude and blunt. Maybe I'm finally conforming and turning dutch in my old age ;-).
I have found that I am becoming less tactful as time goes by. Or maybe it's that I'm becoming more defined as a person. I know better what I like and do not like and am therefore less likely to "go with the flow" and not state my opinions. Instead of feeling myself to be shades of grey, I'm becoming more black and white, with opinions to match.
Whatever.... just be forewarned. I might just be terribly opinionated and rude, the next time you meet me!
I have found that I am becoming less tactful as time goes by. Or maybe it's that I'm becoming more defined as a person. I know better what I like and do not like and am therefore less likely to "go with the flow" and not state my opinions. Instead of feeling myself to be shades of grey, I'm becoming more black and white, with opinions to match.Whatever.... just be forewarned. I might just be terribly opinionated and rude, the next time you meet me!
Lesson learned?
While typing my titel, I discovered I've used this titel before. Now I must go and check to see if I'm going to be repeating myself.....
Ahhh... I see I won't be repeating myself. Evidently there are enough lessons for me to be learning!!
Today at work I had a talk with my manager (the one who is leaving). Partly it was about a new job opening in the organisation, and partly it was about the work I do now. I was absolutely furious by the time our talk was finished. Angry enough to cry (which I then proceeded to do). Let's see if I can explain this. For the FIRST TIME since I work there I got the feeling that my manager was giving me direction in my work. She was telling me what I should be doing and how I should go about doing it. That's fine by me, but what really angered me is that it took this long, and that while telling me she managed to make me feel like she had told me this long ago and that I had allowed myself to become frozen in place in this job. Now she's right about the frozen part, I really have lost a lot of initiative. And I don't have any sense of direction, and I don't feel any appreciation for what I've been doing. But why wait until now to give me a kick up the ass!! What's with that?!? And excuse me, but I have been asking for exactly what she's finally giving me!!!
But that's my anger and frustration and lack of recognition speaking. The lesson learned is that I just can't afford to wait for people to tell me what to do, to give me a sense of direction, to give me affirmation and recognition. I have to do that for myself. Otherwise I turn into a wuss who is incapable of making decisions. My attitude towards this job was not to make any big decisions until I had at least checked with my manager, and to follow her lead. That waiting, and the lack of recognition has just about drained all my energy. So her kick in the butt and my resulting anger have at least energized me into thinking "what the hell! I'm not waiting for anybody anymore. I'm just going to do what I think is right and you all will just have to live with the consequences!" No more waiting around for affirmation or recognition, I just have to do as I see fit and trust my own judgement. (which, by the way, can be pretty darn good!!)
SO THERE!!! (almost, but not quite, sticking out my tongue here!!)
This awful self-doubt that creeps in every now and again is just terrible. When, when, when, will I finally learn that I am a competent woman who knows her mind and who does not need to be dependent on other peoples direction or affirmation!?!
Ahhh... I see I won't be repeating myself. Evidently there are enough lessons for me to be learning!!
Today at work I had a talk with my manager (the one who is leaving). Partly it was about a new job opening in the organisation, and partly it was about the work I do now. I was absolutely furious by the time our talk was finished. Angry enough to cry (which I then proceeded to do). Let's see if I can explain this. For the FIRST TIME since I work there I got the feeling that my manager was giving me direction in my work. She was telling me what I should be doing and how I should go about doing it. That's fine by me, but what really angered me is that it took this long, and that while telling me she managed to make me feel like she had told me this long ago and that I had allowed myself to become frozen in place in this job. Now she's right about the frozen part, I really have lost a lot of initiative. And I don't have any sense of direction, and I don't feel any appreciation for what I've been doing. But why wait until now to give me a kick up the ass!! What's with that?!? And excuse me, but I have been asking for exactly what she's finally giving me!!!
But that's my anger and frustration and lack of recognition speaking. The lesson learned is that I just can't afford to wait for people to tell me what to do, to give me a sense of direction, to give me affirmation and recognition. I have to do that for myself. Otherwise I turn into a wuss who is incapable of making decisions. My attitude towards this job was not to make any big decisions until I had at least checked with my manager, and to follow her lead. That waiting, and the lack of recognition has just about drained all my energy. So her kick in the butt and my resulting anger have at least energized me into thinking "what the hell! I'm not waiting for anybody anymore. I'm just going to do what I think is right and you all will just have to live with the consequences!" No more waiting around for affirmation or recognition, I just have to do as I see fit and trust my own judgement. (which, by the way, can be pretty darn good!!)
SO THERE!!! (almost, but not quite, sticking out my tongue here!!)
This awful self-doubt that creeps in every now and again is just terrible. When, when, when, will I finally learn that I am a competent woman who knows her mind and who does not need to be dependent on other peoples direction or affirmation!?!
6 word memoir
I got tagged by That Cool Broad for this six word memoir meme and I've really been stretching my brain ever since. How to describe my life in six words? A lot of things have flitted through my head. Somehow I wanted to fit all my life experience into 6 words. It didn't work.
So finally, I came up with this.
So finally, I came up with this.
Growing up slowly, and sometimes gracefully.
Now for why I came up with this pearl of wisdom. (hah!)
Notice I wrote growing UP, not growing OLD. I do know I'm growing older, but I figure that that isn't the point of life. The point of my life is to grow up. Not just from a child to an adult, but to grow in wisdom and experience and become a more mature wellrounded person. So far, there's no end in sight for me. This kind of growing up will take me the rest of my life.
Sometimes I can be slow on the uptake, needing to hear the same message a hundred times and then still not getting it. Often I rant and rail against life's lessons and want it all to be perfect NOW! At other times I enjoy the process of learning and discovering about myself and am able to acknowledge that I am who I am. And sometimes I'm exhilarated by what life has on offer and eagerly look forward to learning more.
During this whole learning proces I'd like to be graceful. As the dictionary so beautifully describes it "characterized by elegance or beauty of form, manner, movement, or speech; elegant".
I have a long way to go.
I'm breaking the rules, I'm not going to tag anyone. But I'm encouraging you to think about this. What six words would you use as a memoir? And leave a comment if you come up with something. I would love to know!
Notice I wrote growing UP, not growing OLD. I do know I'm growing older, but I figure that that isn't the point of life. The point of my life is to grow up. Not just from a child to an adult, but to grow in wisdom and experience and become a more mature wellrounded person. So far, there's no end in sight for me. This kind of growing up will take me the rest of my life.
Sometimes I can be slow on the uptake, needing to hear the same message a hundred times and then still not getting it. Often I rant and rail against life's lessons and want it all to be perfect NOW! At other times I enjoy the process of learning and discovering about myself and am able to acknowledge that I am who I am. And sometimes I'm exhilarated by what life has on offer and eagerly look forward to learning more.
During this whole learning proces I'd like to be graceful. As the dictionary so beautifully describes it "characterized by elegance or beauty of form, manner, movement, or speech; elegant".
I have a long way to go.
I'm breaking the rules, I'm not going to tag anyone. But I'm encouraging you to think about this. What six words would you use as a memoir? And leave a comment if you come up with something. I would love to know!
A man
A man made a pass at me today.
I must pause to let that sink in again....
This is what happened: I was in the store when a man came up to me and told me I looked like his dutch teacher from the back. But I looked much nicer up front. And I had a beautiful face, she didn't. And a minute later he wondered if there was another dissimilarity with her. She was married, was I? I told him I was. He said that was really too bad and then left, never to be seen again.
My, my, my... I can't tell you the last time somebody made such a blatant pass at me! It's totally not a dutch thing to do (and this man was definately not dutch!). So I smiled and felt supremely flattered. And about half an hour later, much to my dismay, I found myself thinking of 100 reasons why this man was a con artist, a cheat, somebody looking for a "green card" for Holland, anything but accepting the thought that maybe, just maybe, he might really have found me attractive. Instead of keeping my smile, and walking that little bit taller, and feeling like a cute bit of motherhood I convinced myself that he didn't mean a word he said. And isn't that just too bad? All those negative thoughts, such a waste of time! So maybe he wasn't sincere. WHO CARES! He made me feel pretty good for a while!!
.
I must pause to let that sink in again....
This is what happened: I was in the store when a man came up to me and told me I looked like his dutch teacher from the back. But I looked much nicer up front. And I had a beautiful face, she didn't. And a minute later he wondered if there was another dissimilarity with her. She was married, was I? I told him I was. He said that was really too bad and then left, never to be seen again.
My, my, my... I can't tell you the last time somebody made such a blatant pass at me! It's totally not a dutch thing to do (and this man was definately not dutch!). So I smiled and felt supremely flattered. And about half an hour later, much to my dismay, I found myself thinking of 100 reasons why this man was a con artist, a cheat, somebody looking for a "green card" for Holland, anything but accepting the thought that maybe, just maybe, he might really have found me attractive. Instead of keeping my smile, and walking that little bit taller, and feeling like a cute bit of motherhood I convinced myself that he didn't mean a word he said. And isn't that just too bad? All those negative thoughts, such a waste of time! So maybe he wasn't sincere. WHO CARES! He made me feel pretty good for a while!!
.
Snap Judgements
I, like many, am excellent at making snap judgements.
Today I biked home and came across a girl skating towards me wearing a dressy type skirt with a purse hanging over her shoulder. My instant judgement was "that looks totally stupid". And then I thought "wait a minute, this might actually be pretty brave!". See, we live in a pretty conservative area of Holland. On sundays you can see hundreds of women/girls headed to church wearing skirts and hats with their hair in buns. On weekdays you can identify this group by the length of their skirts (absolutely no pants allowed!) and the length of their hair. So, what if this girl belongs to this church, but really likes to skate? Well then, you skate with your skirt and your purse hanging over your shoulder. You go girl!! Who am I to judge her??
And then another incident. I thought my colleagues were a pretty normal and traditional group of people. But, my, did I have a shock the other day when I heard just a tiny bit about the sex life of one of my colleagues. Goodness gracious me, I had to gulp and rethink my "boring colleagues" judgement!!
Just goes to show that looks can be deceiving....
Wonder what they think of me???
Today I biked home and came across a girl skating towards me wearing a dressy type skirt with a purse hanging over her shoulder. My instant judgement was "that looks totally stupid". And then I thought "wait a minute, this might actually be pretty brave!". See, we live in a pretty conservative area of Holland. On sundays you can see hundreds of women/girls headed to church wearing skirts and hats with their hair in buns. On weekdays you can identify this group by the length of their skirts (absolutely no pants allowed!) and the length of their hair. So, what if this girl belongs to this church, but really likes to skate? Well then, you skate with your skirt and your purse hanging over your shoulder. You go girl!! Who am I to judge her??
And then another incident. I thought my colleagues were a pretty normal and traditional group of people. But, my, did I have a shock the other day when I heard just a tiny bit about the sex life of one of my colleagues. Goodness gracious me, I had to gulp and rethink my "boring colleagues" judgement!!
Just goes to show that looks can be deceiving....
Wonder what they think of me???
Culturally Inept
I went to work today and felt out of place in a very intangible way. I can't put my finger on it but in some way I don't seem to fit in with my colleagues. I'm going to blame this on my cultural ineptness, doesn't that sound great? By that I mean that it sometimes seems like I can't hit the right note with people, somehow I'm just that little (important) bit off in how I react or act. I'm a pretty flexible person, I adjust quickly and can make myself feel at home quite fast, but I have noticed that I can miss the nuance that is needed/wanted to make a connection with people.
I think a lot of how people communicate is subculture. Subculture which is so engrained in behavior that it becomes inexplicable. Or so engrained that if you question someone about it they simply won't know what you're talking about! And I'm not great on subculture, I often just don't get it!
So I'm kind of stuck as to what I should do. Unsure about whether it is actually something I have or have not done, or if it's just a matter of my colleagues "looking the cat out of the tree". (Literal translation of a dutch proverb, which means watching and waiting before forming an opinion or taking initiative). Maybe I should just look the cat out of the tree as well and wait and see what happens!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Currently reading: The Quiet Girl by Peter Hoag (speaking of inexplicable!)
I think a lot of how people communicate is subculture. Subculture which is so engrained in behavior that it becomes inexplicable. Or so engrained that if you question someone about it they simply won't know what you're talking about! And I'm not great on subculture, I often just don't get it!
So I'm kind of stuck as to what I should do. Unsure about whether it is actually something I have or have not done, or if it's just a matter of my colleagues "looking the cat out of the tree". (Literal translation of a dutch proverb, which means watching and waiting before forming an opinion or taking initiative). Maybe I should just look the cat out of the tree as well and wait and see what happens!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Currently reading: The Quiet Girl by Peter Hoag (speaking of inexplicable!)
Acceptance
I read this quote the other day
"The thing is, it’s a bit sad to accept yourself.
You face all the things that you will never be.
But to be yourself is the only way to be happy."
What especially struck me is the part about facing the things that you will never be. One (very minor and pretty unimportant) thing that I am facing is the fact that I'm not an intelligent reader. Maybe you all already knew that, but I'm experiencing quite a sense of sadness about it! I figure that my gift for speed reading combined with the fact that I am moderately intelligent should make for a person who does read Shakespeare and Jane Austen. But every time I try, I just don't want to! And then I feel guilty for reading less intelligent books.
So it's out with my need to seem intelligent and in with the love of reading anything I can get my paws on. Murder, science fiction, fantasy, fairy tales and even a bit of romance, welcome! I'm just me and accepting this little part of me makes me more myself and makes me a lot happier!
E-mail, blogs, and facebook
Posting this blog, joining Facebook, joining Hyves.... All stuff that's been keeping me pretty busy these last couple of weeks. In a very fun exciting way! Hyves is the dutch version of facebook and I've been having fun looking up old classmates, colleagues, and old friends from my dutch days.
This blog is mostly meant for non-dutch people, I like the idea of writing about my dutch life without actually having the people I write about see what I've written. Gives more of a sense of privacy. But I've already found that sometimes my life can't be split that easily into dutch and english. My family for example, are part of both, and so are some friends here in Holland who have the same kind of background as I do! Makes me more aware of what I'm writing and it's kind of scary. Because people who don't live in Holland can't come to me and approach me about what I've written, and get real personal. But those who do live here can.....
Keeping in touch with others feels kind of like a life-line to me. I'm not a super social person, I don't do a lot of visiting, and I don't want people around me all the time, but I absolutely LOVE getting e-mails and writing to people in my own time. I love looking at my blog, seeing that the numbers have gone up, wondering what people think about it, reading reactions. And I love the little jolt I get when I see that I HAVE MAIL! Always gives me a little boost of energy. It's the same at work. The little pling on the computer always makes me wonder what's come in now, and keeps me energized. I read in a newspaper once that some people are addicted to e-mail. I think I'm rapidly turning into one (or maybe I am addicted and don't want to know it!).
Part of why I like e-mail, and reactions on my blog, or facebook, or hyves, is that it gives me the feeling that I'm being seen. Somebody has me on their mind at that moment and it helps give me the feeling that I matter in some way, it defines me to a certain degree. Messages from outside are a form of confirmation that I sometimes need quite badly. I guess that sounds pretty insecure. But maybe it's just part of who I am. I like being part of a bigger picture, seeing beyond my rather insignificant life here and getting a feel for life in a broader sense. Maybe it's one of my legacies from being raised as a third culture kid.
Something to think about anyway!
This blog is mostly meant for non-dutch people, I like the idea of writing about my dutch life without actually having the people I write about see what I've written. Gives more of a sense of privacy. But I've already found that sometimes my life can't be split that easily into dutch and english. My family for example, are part of both, and so are some friends here in Holland who have the same kind of background as I do! Makes me more aware of what I'm writing and it's kind of scary. Because people who don't live in Holland can't come to me and approach me about what I've written, and get real personal. But those who do live here can.....
Keeping in touch with others feels kind of like a life-line to me. I'm not a super social person, I don't do a lot of visiting, and I don't want people around me all the time, but I absolutely LOVE getting e-mails and writing to people in my own time. I love looking at my blog, seeing that the numbers have gone up, wondering what people think about it, reading reactions. And I love the little jolt I get when I see that I HAVE MAIL! Always gives me a little boost of energy. It's the same at work. The little pling on the computer always makes me wonder what's come in now, and keeps me energized. I read in a newspaper once that some people are addicted to e-mail. I think I'm rapidly turning into one (or maybe I am addicted and don't want to know it!).
Part of why I like e-mail, and reactions on my blog, or facebook, or hyves, is that it gives me the feeling that I'm being seen. Somebody has me on their mind at that moment and it helps give me the feeling that I matter in some way, it defines me to a certain degree. Messages from outside are a form of confirmation that I sometimes need quite badly. I guess that sounds pretty insecure. But maybe it's just part of who I am. I like being part of a bigger picture, seeing beyond my rather insignificant life here and getting a feel for life in a broader sense. Maybe it's one of my legacies from being raised as a third culture kid.
Something to think about anyway!
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