Tradition

Dutch christian tradition leans strongly on reading the Bible after you finish your meal. Actually in really strong traditional families one prays before the meal, prays after the meal and then listens to something being read from the Bible.

We've tried our hardest to do something Bible oriented after dinner. First it was simple Bible stories. Then we turned to more complicated ones. But the kids soon grew tired of the same old, same old stories that they already knew so well. And it's true, a lot of childrens bibles have the same stories in them and don't do much or any explaining. Then we tried a devotional book, but couldn't find one to match both our kids. They have four and half years between them, and sometimes that can be quite a lot! The last couple of months we tried Mocha with Max (called Cappuccino here). But even that failed to entrance the kids.

A couple of weeks ago I happened upon the subject of Adrian Plass, and told the kids how funny he was. And then - LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!- we decided to start reading from one of his books instead. It's not a devotional, it's not Bible stories, but in his humorous way he does write about God and his search for Him.

And, yeah!! it works! The kids listen, and we laugh. So much better than all the complaining we had to listen to :-)

Child of God

Last sunday we were at a church service organized by Hermans work. It was the opening service of the new year.
During the service I realized that communion was going to be offered. I had a silent panic attack. I knew that in my current state of mind, taking communion would not be the right thing to do. There are too many doubts about God, Jesus, the Bible. There is too much anger, frustration and bitterness. I cant even sing along with many of the songs because I cannot get the words over my tongue.
But... this is Hermans work environment. These people are his colleagues. The group was not big. I didn't know how I was going to get out of taking communion without people noticing, perhaps whispering, and wondering. I thought about sneaking off to the toilet at some moment, but knew that would look too obvious. My head spun with endless possibilities of getting out of taking communion without shaming Herman or myself.

Then the pastor spoke. He said, "If you believe you're a child of God, then you are free to take communion".

My panic sank as the realisation slowly grew that that actually IS what I believe. Don't ask me if I believe Jesus died on the cross, don't ask me if I'm saved, don't ask me about the Bible, don't ask me about anything else...

Somewhere in my heart a chord was struck. Yes, I do believe I am a child of God.

So I took communion and left with a new sense of peace.

A lot, if not most of christianity does not make sense to me right now.
But you know what? I am a child of God. That, I know.
So I'll move on from there.

Song tekst

I went to a Kees Kraayenoord concert. I loved this song.

God Of The Moon And Stars

God of the moon and stars
God of the gay- and singles bars
God of the fragile hearts we are, I come to you
God of our history, god of the future that will be
What will you make of me, I come to you

God of the meek and mild,
God of the reckless and the wild
God of the unreconciled, I come to you
God of our life and death
God of our secrets unconfessed
God of our every breath, I come to you

God of the rich and poor
God of the princess and the whore
God of the ever open door, I come to you
God of the unborn child
God of the pure and undefiled
God of the pimp and paedophile, I come to you

God of the war and peace
God of the junkie and the priest
God of the greatest and the least, I come to you
God of the refugee
God of the prisoner and the free
God of our doubt and certainty, I come to you

God of our joy and grieve
God of the lawyer and the thief
God of our faith and unbelief, I come to you
God of the wounds we bear
God of the deepest dreams we share
God of our unspoken prayer, I come to you

God of a world that's lost
God of the lonely cross
God who has come to us, I come to you

Sunday

Herman and I went to church this morning. We havn't been in a while, but decided to give it another shot. I spent my time writing notes about work and planning things to do this summer. Ok, that's not all I did. I also did some thinking about christianity and faith and what the whole going to church thing is all about.
The more we don't go to church, the more it feels like I'm slowly getting out of a stifling box of expectations, rules and regulations. I find myself reading certain kinds of books without suffering pangs of guilt, or even thinking that there might be more to the world than the christian view of it. I have been raised to be a christian, gone to christian schools (not all of the time, but mostly), got married to a christian, went to the same church for the last 15 years, and now feel like this lack of church is giving me time to stretch my mind.
I'm still trying to figure out if this stretching of the mind is a good thing or a bad one. It could be construed as the devil trying to get me. Or it could be me, growing up, trying to look beyond a sometimes limited evangelical world view.
I'm just not sure yet.

Prayer

I placed a comment on Et Tu, and this is what somebody answered in reply:

Would like to pray for a commenter; join me if you wish:

Merciful Father, God, We gather to pray for our sister, and other who feel as she does. You know what has hurt her. We ask that you heal her heart and make it soft to receiving the Truth of your word. Bind the devil and his evil ones, surround her with your angels. Lift her to feel your forgiveness, acceptance, love, and grace. We thank you for all you do. We pray this in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, forever and ever. Amen

Needless to say, I am now crying.

Things I need to hear

Just after I wrote my last post on compliments, I read this at "ET TU?"- The diary of a former atheist.

Here's an excerpt. This falls into the category of "things I NEED to hear, but don't really want to know...."

"I know now that the validation I seek can only come from the "still, small voice" of God. But God doesn't shout. To hear his voice is not an entirely passive endeavor; it requires something of us. We hear God's voice most clearly when we make time for silence, and when we get rid of the static that our sins create -- but that's an arduous, sometimes painful process. Frankly, it's a whole lot quicker and easier to pick up the phone and call a friend or, for those of us who have blogs, to go read comments or log in to Sitemeter. To read responses on your blog that essentially say "I approve" offers passive, instant gratification in a way that the voice of God does not; to discern whether or not God says "I approve" is an entirely different endeavor...and a whole lot more work."

Another sunday

Another sunday spent not going to church. I'm slowly realizing I'm missing it in more ways than one. I miss the rhythm of waking up on sunday mornings and doing something that I perceive as being "purposeful". I miss the sense of companionship and fellowship that comes with sharing something you believe in with others. I miss the chit chat with people I know and who know me. I miss the sense of belonging to a community. I also miss being stimulated to grow in a relationship with God.
I don't have a strong faith life and I see that it's getting weaker and weaker without a weekly stimulus. It's just too easy to not invest in praying, reading the Bible or doing anything that is God related. And even though I can hardly put my faith (or lack of it) into words, I still get the feeling that I'm missing out on something that can be important in life.

Sunday Music

There's not a much bigger contrast to be made than the difference between the church service pictured above and the church service we attended this morning. Maybe all the grey heads I saw when we walked in should have warned me off! We went on our first churchseeking expedition today and ended up in a building with a large number of older people singing even older songs. I nudged Marinda and told her I felt like I had been transported back in time, and we al lhad to supress a smile every now and again. I have a sneaking suspicion that this will not become our home church here!
The church in Ethiopia, although pretty traditional, at least had the added pleasure of a Nigerian choir (love those deep deep african voices!) and a youth group that did their best to show some groovy moves. Our old church had is own enthousiasms, including people waving flags, and some people who did this little evangelical dance where you jump up and down and clap at the same time. I'm looking for some place where I find like-minded people, where there's room for spontanaiety should the spirit hit you, but where people are also sane and down to earth and willing to share sorrows and doubts. And where there is room for laughter!

A churchly goodbye

Today we said goodbye to our church, (picture taken this morning) and surprisingly it wasn't emotional at all.
I say surprisingly because this is a church that we have been attending for 14 years, which is quite a while! You'd think that goodbyes would be coupled with liters of tears and lots of hankies. No such thing....I guess it means it's a good thing we're leaving, and that the time is right to move on.
When we first came to the church we were a young couple with major problems. I was really depressed, had barely any parenting skills, and our marriage was hanging on a thread. The church was a good place to be, the people were supportive, there were jobs to be done, opportunities to grow. The name of the church is The Shelter, and that is what we did. I wonder what church we will go to now? Maybe we ought to chose a church based on its name! Something like The Challenge or The Growth or the Church of Great Opportunities or something like that ;-)

Church group 2

We had our last church group evening tonight. It was only the third night that we had met, but it was beginning to be fun. I guess that's part of saying goodbye. You leave the good behind and as well as the bad (or maybe a better word would be less pleasant!) We had some laughs tonight in addition to some serious conversation about experiencing God. And again I realize how inspiring it can be to be with a group of people and feel free to talk about what's going on in your life, to joke about christian excesses, and be willing to ask eachother difficult questions as well. I'm hoping we'll find some good (christian) friends in our new town.
Herman was checking out churches and became kind of discouraged. There's a lot of older traditional churches in the area, but we're looking for one with a more evangelical tint to it. I'm not discouraged yet, just really curious to see where we'll end up. We've spent most of our married lives in the church we're at now, and a bit of change will do us good I think!
I had a good talk with a sister in law today as well. She called to congratulate us with our new house and we ended up really talking, instead of just chatting. Makes me feel hopeful about the contact with family after our move. Maybe it will be a chance to get closer to them, and maybe they can be friends in a way that I don't expect. I guess I have to be open to a lot of things the coming time!

Church

Today is sunday so I thought I'd write about church. The last 13 years we have been members of a church in Utrecht called De Schuilplaats (The Shelter), a small evangelical group of about 70 people. And a shelter is just exactly what the church has been to us. When we first came our relationship was in shambles. Lots of dedicated pastoral care has helped us come where we now are. But now we both feel that it may be time to move on and spread our wings a bit more. We've done practically everything that can be done in the church varying from being church group leaders, organizing church weekends, lunches, brunches and dinners, doing sunday school, hanging up the decorations, welcoming people at the door, leading the Alpha course, doing the sound, making coffee and so forth and so on. Doing all those things has kept Herman and I committed. It's much easier to go to church when you have a task to do or an obligation to be there!
Over the last year I have been putting aside a number of my tasks and I have found that to be really refreshing. It also makes me think about the real essence of what churchgoing is about, and why I go to church at all. On the one hand not going to church every week makes it easy to just not think about God at all and to "go with the secular flow", on the other hand there is the challenge to go beyond habit and find out what my relationship with God is really about. Sometime later I may try to put that part of my life into words.