Child of God

Last sunday we were at a church service organized by Hermans work. It was the opening service of the new year.
During the service I realized that communion was going to be offered. I had a silent panic attack. I knew that in my current state of mind, taking communion would not be the right thing to do. There are too many doubts about God, Jesus, the Bible. There is too much anger, frustration and bitterness. I cant even sing along with many of the songs because I cannot get the words over my tongue.
But... this is Hermans work environment. These people are his colleagues. The group was not big. I didn't know how I was going to get out of taking communion without people noticing, perhaps whispering, and wondering. I thought about sneaking off to the toilet at some moment, but knew that would look too obvious. My head spun with endless possibilities of getting out of taking communion without shaming Herman or myself.

Then the pastor spoke. He said, "If you believe you're a child of God, then you are free to take communion".

My panic sank as the realisation slowly grew that that actually IS what I believe. Don't ask me if I believe Jesus died on the cross, don't ask me if I'm saved, don't ask me about the Bible, don't ask me about anything else...

Somewhere in my heart a chord was struck. Yes, I do believe I am a child of God.

So I took communion and left with a new sense of peace.

A lot, if not most of christianity does not make sense to me right now.
But you know what? I am a child of God. That, I know.
So I'll move on from there.