Hard Question

When was the last time you felt rich?

Now this question is open for interpretation. Rich could mean rich moneywise, or rich in experience, or rich with happiness, or richly fulfilled...whatever!
I'm going to see if I can answer this question at least two ways.
Moneywise, well, I have to go back to Ethiopia again! I do keep going on and on about our vacation there, don't I? Ah well.... good memories :-)

When I was on my road trip with my family it was an absolute delight and a joy to go out for breakfast, lunch and dinner and have not a care in the world about how much it cost. Really, not a care in the world. The food may not have been high quality (though nothing beats a good injera eaten locally!, and the coffee.... oh the coffee.... I don't think Starbucks can beat a good ethiopian macchiato, served in a thick mug or tall glass, drunk on a wiggly chair, surrounded by happily sipping, chomping and guzzling ethiopians....... sigh..........)
Now what was I saying?? Something about feeling rich I think. Well, all of the above mentioned pleasures cost next to nothing which greatly added to the amount of enjoyment involved!

Richly fulfilled? Those are snapshot moments. Taking a bike ride with my daughter, or by myself, spending time with family, enjoying creativity. These moments often come in a flash, a warm gush of happiness flooding my body, making my eyes water. They pass but leave a lingering sense of well being and a smile on my face.
And if I blog about them, they bring a smile to my face time and time again.

Ballerina

When I was small, I had high hopes of becoming a ballerina. When I was a teen I listenened to Abba's Dancing Queen and imagined myself stealing the show at the disco. Listening to that song still makes me feel nostalgic and wistful. Maybe that's why I like it so much when I see Marinda dance! I get to dance vicariously through her. I may have a tendency to do that every now and again :-)
So here's a picture of me as a small ballerina. As far as I can remember this was the Christmas after I had whooping cough. My knobby knees are proof of that fact. Often, after I ate, I would cough and then everything would come up again. I remember vividly getting ice cream once (which was a rarity in Ethiopia!) and then throwing it all up again. Oh, I just cried and cried at the loss of that ice cream. But I am digressing most horribly....
So that Christmas I got this ballerina outfit and felt proud and pretty as a picture. About two years later I got a jeans skirt and jacket which I wore constantly because it made me feel like stewardess. That was my highest ambition at that time! I'm sure there's a picture of me with that skirt and top somewhere, but I havn't found it yet.
For now, you will have to make do with this one. (please note the socks and sandals!!)

Cancellation

The other day I cancelled my subscription to two newsletters that have internationally oriented jobs in them.
That statement may not sound very exciting, interesting, stimulating or important in any way at all to anyone but me.
See, for the last couple of years I have been avidly searching for my dream job. I had high hopes of finding a job which meant that I would be able to do some travelling and be able to incorporate some of how I grew up into my work. I have given up. Or maybe that's not the right thing to say. I seem to have lost my drive. And that's happened since I went back to Ethiopia this Christmas. And I can't seem to put into words exactly why it is that this dream of mine has disappeared. I do know that it's left me feeling slightly lost and out of wack. Like some essential part of me has gone missing or something.
Maybe just being back in Ethiopia has helped put some missing pieces into place. I felt that I would be filling a gap in my life by finding an internationally oriented job. In Ethiopia I discovered that I didn't want to neccesarily live there, I just wanted to feel at home. Just being there felt perfectly right and yet I knew that moving there would not make that feeling last forever. And searching for my dream job would also probably not give me that same feeling of belonging. I guess that feeling goes much farther than simply location or activitities. It has something to do with what goes on inside me, something that I can often be quite clueless about.
So, for now, I will get involved in my new job. I'm quite comfortable there, and much less insecure than I thought I would be. I even tell jokes, and have people laugh! It does feel strange and uncomfortable not knowing what I am moving towards. I have no dreams, no vision for my life right now and I don't particularly like that.

More memories

During my rummage through my box of memories I didn't only find my diary, but I found some lose pictures as well. What to think of a picture of my classmates from 3rd grade? I will scan it and post it on facebook to show to those classmates who can also be found on there. Looking through my box brought the hugest grin to my face. I stood there in my uncomfortable attic, next to the dryer which isn't working yet, hunched over this box in the most unhandy way, but I couldn't have cared less. It was great to feel the past re-live, also in the context of just having been back to Ethiopia. Makes things that much more real. I even found an entry in one of the diaries about an old boyfriend of mine and why we had broken up. Funny thing is that we saw eachother for a short while in Ethiopia and I could hardly remember anything about him. Reading the entry brought some of the memories back. And to my astonishment, I discovered that my memory had failed me in some details! I guess time distorts memories more than I'd like to think it does. And writing things down really does help to remind you! I hope this blog will have the same function for me a couple of years from now.

Sunday Music

There's not a much bigger contrast to be made than the difference between the church service pictured above and the church service we attended this morning. Maybe all the grey heads I saw when we walked in should have warned me off! We went on our first churchseeking expedition today and ended up in a building with a large number of older people singing even older songs. I nudged Marinda and told her I felt like I had been transported back in time, and we al lhad to supress a smile every now and again. I have a sneaking suspicion that this will not become our home church here!
The church in Ethiopia, although pretty traditional, at least had the added pleasure of a Nigerian choir (love those deep deep african voices!) and a youth group that did their best to show some groovy moves. Our old church had is own enthousiasms, including people waving flags, and some people who did this little evangelical dance where you jump up and down and clap at the same time. I'm looking for some place where I find like-minded people, where there's room for spontanaiety should the spirit hit you, but where people are also sane and down to earth and willing to share sorrows and doubts. And where there is room for laughter!

Incomplete

I'm so tired I could almost cry (most probably I will before the end of the day!). It's been a busy hectic week and I guess this move and all that accompanies it is finally getting to me.
It's almost 8 in the morning on saturday. Tristan has a soccer match in an hour, so I will get myself into my clothes, bike through the rain, and do some socializing. Stick on my friendliest smile and hope that people will feel inclined to get to know me! Every once in a while I feel a stab of ... I guess I would call it loneliness, though it also feels a lot like feeling incomplete. I tend to fill that gap with food, even though that doesn't really help! (Actually it just doesn't help, only gives me something else to feel bad about. Have you ever noticed that bad habits often have a function? There's always a reason why you do something!) Part of my "loneliness" is the move, and partly it is because I miss the feeling of being at home that I had in Ethiopia. I guess you could also define it as a sense of longing. My head entirely understands that I live here and I also like it hear, but a small part of me will always (or that's what it feels like) feel slightly lost. So I keep up a search to feel fulfilled, but often end up looking in the wrong places! I know I should be talking to God about this, but that is an issue all on its on which I may post about another time. In the meantime I try to keep up my spirits and find fun things to do, which always helps at least a little. Now before I sound too depressed and traumatized, I will tell you all that tiredness has a lot to do with how I'm feeling right now. So don't be surprised if, after a good nights rest, my next post will be upbeat and cheerful!

More pictures

Lazing on the couchThe local electronics store

By the poolside

A break on a day out

Dinner at my parents house

Looking at the pictures of my Ethiopian road trip

Ramblings

For any of you who were surprised to see an unintelligible e-mail posted on my blog.... it was my mother, accidentally using my blog adres to send me a mail! I was quite surprised, but decided to remove it anyway.
I'm feeling totally shattered after spending 3 and a half hours getting to and from work. I'm so glad that there's only a couple more days I have to do that! I know it may seem like nothing to many of you living in the big United States, but to me it seems an inordinate amount of time to spend in a train or on a bike or even in a car for that matter. My nice pleasurable half hour bike ride has disappeared. Maybe it wil reappear when I finally find that new job that I'm looking for.
It was nice to be at work though. Like I said to some colleagues; it's practically the only familiar place to me at this moment! Everthing else has changed, but work is comfortably the same.
Though all the changes are working out ok. We've had family over every day we've been here!! And I've already got a first date with an old friend who will be coming over for a visit. Got back in touch with her with the dutch version of facebook, and she lives close by, so that might be fun.
And another friend of mine is coming over saturday with her adopted ethiopian son. They are really looking forward to seeing our pictures (as am I!). By "coincidence" I passed through the place where there son was born while I was in Ethiopia so I took a lot of pictures for them.
Enough rambling for now. I will post a picture from ethiopia each day until I get tired of it. If anybody wants to know why a particular picture is posted, just ask!

Some pictures

Last Post from Ethiopia

I just spent ten minutes with my son, jumping on the trampoline in the dark. We will be leaving to go to the airport in about an hour. Before the trampoline I was lying in the hammock, crying. Just this evening it hit me that I'm leaving and the emotions that I expected when I arrived came out after all. It's hard to leave something that feels so comfortably right! Not that I want to live here especially, it's more the sense of feeling at home that I'm going to miss. Everything seems so familiar here, even though things really have changed a lot. But the smells and the sounds and the looks of the place make it feel right in a way that Holland may never feel. It's not a people thing, it's a place thing.

However, Holland is my home and I will make it as home-like as possible. We have bought enough souvenirs to transform the house into a kind of mini ethiopian tukul I think! We may feel quite disgusted with ourselves once we arrive because it will look so out of place :-). And there is so much to do once we get back! One night in our old house and then the weekend spent moving into our new house. And on monday school starts and things will get up and running and our new life will begin.

It's been a gift to be here, to be able to share some of who I am with my lovely little family. The husband and kids I love so much. My growing appreciation of them is an added gift that I didn't expect.

My next post will be from my new home. I will post lots of pictures to compensate for the lack of them the last couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to looking them over and treasuring the good memories that come with them.

The end is near

The end of our trip here is near, at least for some of us! My little family and I have the pleasure of a few more days with my parents. But all the others are leaving tomorrow. So people are packing and doing "last things". Today I finally went to town with my brother. We walked a lot, took the local minicabs and enjoyed being around town. It's so amazing to me that I can just walk the streets. When I was here last time that was just simply not possible. We never went out to go shopping, took a taxi, or did anything that brought us out of our little safe ex-pat world. And now I walk the streets in peace and can really soak in the atmosphere here. It's one of the big differences that I have seen. I feel safe and comfortable and am surprised by the apparent "wealth" which is here. I say wealth in quotation marks because there is still a lot of poverty, but internet and mobile phones can be found everywhere as well. It's a weird contrast. And I am totally over the idea that I can really share my experiences with my kids. There's just been too many changes! But I love the fact that they are here and have gained some concept for how I have grown up.

Christmas Spirit

The Christmas spirit has come and gone intermittently here in Ethiopia. I didn't realize how where you live defines so much of how you experience Christmas! Should have known better of course, having lived in so many places! With my family we celebrate with gift giving and a lovely meal on Christmas Eve. So that is what we did. But first Herman and I went tourist shopping. Then we came home to a rushed house where everybody was getting their best clothes on to celebrate Christmas together. The transition is so big! And this morning we went to a church service, then did some more tourist shopping (stores stay open all the time here....) and went out for injera. And now I'm sitting here in my dads office writing this blog feeling like Christmas was about a year ago.

It was good to be together with family though, and some of our Christmas moments were truly "cliche". Like singing Christmas songs together after having our evening meal with my mom playing the guitar. Most definately a "flashback to the past" kind of moment. Or watching the enthousiasm of my little nephew as he handed out presents and eagerly helped unwrap them. And breakfast this morning with the typical dutch bread that I dragged out of Holland in my hand luggage.

Lunch at the Ghion Hotel was also very memorable. The place hasn't changed and it's a great joy to watch my kids eating injera eagerly in the same place where I enjoyed it so many years ago. Funny thing is I'm much less caught up in the whole thing of going down memory lane than I thought I would be. It's enough just to be here and let my kids see some of what I saw when growing up. Things have also changed a lot. We had coffee at a real nice place tonight, practically nicer than in Holland and definately cheaper! And that was just not done when I lived here before, unless I went to a real high class place. And I can walk the streets without being harassed. Another new experience. My kids and husband think that's normal, but I definately remember differently!

So it's just good to be here and soak in the sun and the atmosphere and get back in touch with my "tropical" side. I hope I'll be able to hold on to it once I get back to cold, chilly, cold-cultured Holland.

Mixed feelings

One of the things that has really struck me this trip is how our different personalities and circumstances influence the way we experience this trip. By we I mean my little family unit, but also my roots; brother and sisters and parents. Each person carries with them their own history, expectations, feelings, hopes and dreams and that leads to totally different experiences. What I perceive as a wonderful time may be really miserable to someone else. The way you wake up in the morning inflluences your mood obviously, but also the way you look at your past, at who you are as a person. We all carry our bagage with us and it influences us in so many ways! I know I'm stating the obvious, but somehow being here has made me so much more aware of it.

Maybe I'm so much more conscious of it because I feel that we have all shared the same experiences in the past. And to a certain degree that is true of course. We all grew up here, at least partly. The other day we discovered that we all lived here for a different amount of years! That is one difference, our ages are another, and our family positions. I think what I need to realize from this is that each person is unique. My past is mine, not someone elses. My experiences here and now are unique to me, I can't generalize them and simply assume that others are having the same good time as I am. This counts for all experiences, not only this one. It's important to be respectful of each persons "eigenheid" (dutch word meaning that which belongs to a person, that which makes a person unique). That way I can be sure that I can be open for how others experience things and that I will not let my own judgement cloud how I react to others.

Home Again

It's the end of our tour of ethiopia. We're back "home" and the house feels packed to overflowing. It is quite a lot to have what pretty much amounts to 5 families in one house! But it's good to be back, to see the kids and hug my husband. Feed them sugar cane and find that they don't like it at all!! (But actually, neither do I, it's mostly the memories that makes the stuff taste so good :-) ). We had an excellent last day, with a stop at the Portugese bridge which really had us oohing and aahing. An unexpected gift. The day before we were on Lake Tana. I had some fruit juice that didn't sit well so I ended up feeding the fish and exploring the local toilets. Also an experience which belongs in these kinds of trips. I mean, we're in Africa! Stomach upset is part of the whole happening! I thank God for camera's. Now I get to redo my trip all over again. On the other hand it can be so dissappointing to see what actually ends up on a picture and to find that in no way does it compare to the real thing. I asked my kids what they thought of the pictures and my daughter calmly said " I wasn't there, so it doesn't mean much". I guess that about covers it! That's why I want to take them to the Portugese bridge, so that they can see what I've seen. I'm looking forward to doing that the next couple of days. Herman is loving the atmosphere here. He had a great time bargaining at the Markato and is in his element there. This trip away from them has made me realize how much I love my little family. It's good to be reminded of that sometimes!

More some other time, hopefully with the added attraction of pictures. I took a stunning total of 250. Really, I'm quite ashamed.... But some will be sure to show up here and on facebook.

Middle of Ethiopia

Here I am, in the middle of Ethiopia, sitting in a well-lit little office with a very slow internet connection. We had a busy day today! It all culminated in a visit to the Blue Nile falls with my dad and brother. Poor sister Joy had to stay behind with a bad head cold. The pictures are great. I was telling my family that I have to view the pictures in order to understand that I've really been there. It's almost too big to grasp! That's what a lot of this trip is, a lot of things coming right behind the other, a lot of which are hard to realize are really happening. We left Addis yesterday, and it feels like a week ago. I left behind a sick daughter who thankfully wished me a lot of fun and told me she would be able to manage with all the other mothers in the house. Then we took a 7 hour car drive to a city which just "happens" to be the city where my friend has adopted a son from. How cool is that! So I took a lot of pictures of the environment there and even had a little attempt at tracing some of his family members. That was not a succes, but I'm sure they will be thrilled with any pictures that I come back with.

Today we drove to Bahar Dar, Lake Tana and then visited the falls. Tomorrow we'll be taking a boat trip to some monastaries here in the environment and then heading back to Addis with a lot of stops for pictures on the way. The weird thing to me is how normal everything seems to me. In Holland I'm often very aware of how my surroundings look, I can look at things through the eyes of a tourist. Here I just am, I see and absorb and look and enjoy but it feels so totally comfortable and normal that I forget to take pictures! So I have to consciously grab my camera and take shots to show the folks back home. And at the same time I realize that the pictures which show the way things really are just don't exist. But I have to come back with something!

And I still keep on smiling all the time. I love driving through the space here, seeing the countryside change. Having coffee in a local place, eating lots of injera, staying in a hotel with hardly any regard to the costs. My smile is just pasted to my face. I guess that's what comes with feeling totally comfortable and at home.

The second day

Another day that feels like a year at least! This morning I walked around the compound here with a huge grin on my face the whole time. I practically felt my face cramp up from smiling so much! It was just from the pure pleasure of being here, soaking up the sun and the smells and the sense of belonging that comes from being here. It's like putting on an old pair of shoes, no sore toes or blisters from having to walk them in.

I'm torn between all the different things to do. Be lazy, go shopping, be a tourist, call old friends, catch up with family, be a tour guide for my kids..... Today we ended up going to the pool at the Sheraton Hotel with the kids. That in itself is an experience, like living a lie. By the poolside, in the midst of the lap of luxury, while the drive to the pool is one where beggars come up to your window at every stop and the sights on the street are those of extreem poverty. Nevertheless, we enjoyed it tremendously! And I felt a real sense of vacation.

Tomorrow I'll be travelling with some of the clan for a couple of days. Leave behind husband and kids and see some of the country. I never saw much when I was living here, so I guess I should take the chance when I get it! But I leave with mixed feelings. I've only just gotten here, and now I'm leaving. It feels like I should be showing the kids where I grew up before I go and explore the country! But the timing works out this way, so I will enjoy the sights while I can.

I probably won't be able to blog from where I'm going, so there will be silence for the next 4 days unless I find an internet cafe somewhere. I kind of hope I do, because it will help me write down what I'm doing and then I'll have something to read and reminesce (spelling?) over when I go back to Holland. Have you noticed that this has become home, and Holland is not?

Home sweet Home?

It's only been one evening here in Addis and it feels almost like I've never left. So it also doesn't feel very emotional, just welcoming and comfortable and homey! Those feelings are obviously also emotions but not the ones I expected. I though I would be crying on every street corner while memories hit me right and left. But I actually didn't remember anything much until we were almost home. And things have really really changed. That was to be expected, obviously, after 18 years! Things have shrunk most awefully. What I thought of as miles of space has turned into meters somehow. Does the world shrink when you get older or something?

I walked around the compound with Herman, showed him all the corners, but the kids were too zonked after not sleeping all night in the airplane. I'm sure more memories will come as I wander around here.

I love where we're staying here the feel of this house, the space in it and around it! It's wonderful to smell the eucalyptus and the occasional diesel fumes mixed with a bit of poop. Very ethiopian!

I'm really looking forward to the rest of the time here and am secretly hoping that I will get hit by some stronger emotions some time soon!

Lift Off

It't 5.38 in the morning, THE morning of the day that we're leaving to go to Addis. Back to the place of my youth. Time for many "oprah-esque" full circle moments. Or so I hope!
I don't have to be up at this ungodly hour, because we're not leaving till at least one this afternoon. But here I am anyway, with my head full of all the things that still need to be done.
I just found out that I can post through e-mail, so I will be keeping you up to date on my time in Ethiopia. Only I won't be able to see what a post looks like because I can't log on to blogger from there. So if things look strange, or you don't see anything at all, or ethiopian language appears in my blog, I apologize beforehand!
I still can hardly believe we're going. Things are just too mixed up right now I guess. Our house still looks like our house instead of looking like an empty shell. Which is a roundabout way of saying that we still have an immense amount of packing to do for our move to our new town. Yesterday was a day full of goodbyes, and shopping trips for last minute things for my mom, and celebrating Hermans birthday. I broke down once, after getting kidded just one to many times about my hairstyle. Ended up screaming at everybody to "stop it now!!". After which we went out to eat. (Luckily I managed to recover my sweet, calm, pleasant and friendly mood ;-) )
But seriously, I need a break now. The stress is now really getting to me and it's time for a holiday! I'm still amazed at the patience I have had the last couple of weeks. I guess sometime the real nasty, shrewish, impatient, flying of the handle, annoyed and irritated me has to come out. I can't keep her hidden forever :-(
Now I will crawl back into bed and cuddle up to my hubby. It's literally freezing outside. Maybe I will catch an hour or so of sleep and wake up feeling ready to rock and roll.


Hey everybody!! I'M GOING TO ETHIOPIA!!!!

Countdown

The countdown is beginning! Today was the last day of work in our new house. We got our bedrooms done and a floor down in the living room so it's enough to camp in when we get back. So now we can focus on preparing for our trip to Ethiopia! Wow! My sister is at this very moment staying in a hotel close to the airport because she has to leave real early tomorrow morning. Brings a smile to my face, knowing she's almost there. She and my other sister will meet up at the airport and then get picked up by my folks. Just four more nights and we'll be flying too!
I have hardly had any time to really think about what I want to do there but maybe that's a good thing. Then I won't have any expectations which turn into letdowns. Our time is open to us, we'll see what we do. Just the thought of really being somewhere else, our trip as a family, seeing all the others and spending Christmas in the sun is a really awesome thing.

The best food ever

The best food ever is, of course, ethiopian food! This is a picture of celebratory meal at our local ethiopian restaurant in honor of our friends finally getting his permit to live here in Holland. We don't eat out a lot and I don't cook ethiopian food myself, so when we do have it I enjoy it to the full!
One time I was at the restaurant with some injera lovers. We almost attacked the waiter when he brought our food, we were so eager. It was finished in no time at all, all our hands in the plate scraping it clean. Then I noticed two older women sitting at the next table eating primly and precisely. If they could have asked for a fork, I think they might have! It almost ruined my appetite looking at them. I mean, what is this food for, if it's not to guzzle it down when it's hot and fresh?!?