Memories

Renzo found and scanned these pictures and posted them on facebook. I just had to put them here as well :-).

This picture was taken on United Nations Day at ICS (International Community School of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia). At this school United Nations Day was celebrated with a parade of flags of all the countries that had students in the school, followed by presentations from several countries. This particular year, my mom decided to steal the show with us kids. I was at that odd awkward age where it's only just acceptabel to stand on stage and sing, it verged on being painful!
We sang "twee emmertjes water halen", that's what I remember for sure! Funny thing is, we hardly spoke dutch at all at home, and didn't sing much dutch either. We might just have learned that dutch song especially for that occasion!
A couple of years later, back at the school after three years in the States, I was the flag bearer for the dutch flag. There's a picture of that somewhere!


This other picture is much older. I was showing it to Marinda and only then realized that my parents were much younger than I am now when this picture was taken. In their early thirties perhaps? Strange to think of them off discovering the world with four kids in tow, while I sit here, ensconced behind my computer, limiting my travels around the world to reading peoples blogs!

I think we look pretty good though!

For Renzo and Joy

On facebook, my brother and sister asked me what my favorite memory of them was when we were growing up. Here is my answer, written down for posterity:

Funnily enough, my fondest memory of both of you, is of both of you together.

Remember how we celebrated Christmas in Ethiopia? Gathered around our Christmas branches? Mom and dad had always secreted away presents that they had bought the summer before.

I think the first year I went to RVA I came back from Kenya with Christmas gifts for everybody, so there was a nice pile under the Christmas tree. You two decided you wanted to join in the fun and got all secretive. Pretty soon the pile started growing, with a mismatch of presents wrapped in all kinds of paper.
I remember opening the presents and feeling such a surge of love for you two. You had wrapped up your own teddy bears and other personal items and given them to us. It was so sweet!

The next year I was blessed with the gift of a silver ring, picked out personally by one or both of you. It was a silver filigree ring with a flower on top. It was truly ugly! But I don't think I ever let you know that. I still have that ring by the way. The fact that is was given to me by you two makes me hang on to it :-).

Although we grew up together, I don't have a lot of memories of you. I'm so glad I have gotten so many more memories over the last years! It's been such a pleasure getting to know you both as adults and becoming friends with both of you.

Love you!!


p.s. does my memory serve me correctly, or do you two have different memories of what I just wrote down?

Summer time

The clock changed today, daylight savings time I believe it's called? We slept in, contrary to our earlier plans to go visit another church this morning in our continuing search for a "spiritual home". Instead Herman and I visited a church this afternoon. An experience worth repeating.

Tristan spent the afternoon with friends jumping on the trampoline (yeah, the sun was shining!), laughing and joking, and raiding the fridge. Much to Marinda's dismay.

Marinda however, spent some time actually hanging things up in her room. Folks, I can hardly tell you how monumental this is. She had very very set ideas of how she wanted her room to be when we moved here a year ago. Stylish wallpaper, a new bed. She got it as well. And then everything just slowed down to a stop. Last year, on her birthday, she got a number of things to hang up in her room. All ended up standing up against the walls, waiting to be hung. This weekend stuff was hung!! As she said, "now it's like I'm really living here". And I guess that's been the issue a lot of the time. Just not feeling at home, and not wanting to settle.

But, some work has been done, and I'm ever so happy! I want my girlie to feel at home here, even though we know that next year summer she'll probably head off to college and out of here....


.

Saturday

I have been so trained to wake up early during the week, that sleeping in has almost become impossible. If I make it to 8.30, that's doing real well!

But there's a lovely alternative, at least to me! I stay in bed, but with a cup of coffee and a good book, or in this case, the laptop. And then just bum around for an hour or so. Feels like a wonderful luxury. Then I get up, do some exercising, and lo and behold I get a great start to the day!

Ah... the joys of bigger kids! They do sleep in. In fact I think they'd sleep all day if I let them......

Birthday Boy

Cheated

I saw this thing on other blogs where you post the fourth picture in 2007 or something random like that. So I thought I'd give it a try and asked my husband to holler some numbers at me, in an attempt to really randomize my search. But it didn't work! First there was no picture, then there was a picture I didn't really want to blog about, then I asked him to holler again and then I just cheated and came up with this one:


This picture was taken Christmas of 2004. On the one hand it seems only a short while ago, and on the other....
Tristan has his curly head of hair in this picture and is so darn cute and small!! Marinda is her gorgeous self, as ever. My hubby is pretty changeless, and then there's me with my short hair. (like you can't see that!). There's actually nothing else to say about the picture... maybe I should have chosen another one!

We don't have a lot of family pictures though. Looking at this one makes me realize it's time for a new one. Now to get the family in the same spot at one time, all willing and eager to get their picture taken.
Hmmmmmm......

Children

First and foremost, I love my kids. I don't want anyone to doubt that.

That having been said......

I don't find motherhood fulfilling. It's a lot of damn hard work. And it's a huge confrontation with everything that I don't seem to be.
Patient
Loving
Capable of setting boundaries
Disciplined

I find being at home with the kids to be a huge challenge. I often tell people I'm not an earth mother. And by that I mean that raising kids does not in any way come naturally to me. I DO NOT for the life of me understand how people can stay at home all day with kids and find it fulfilling. I find it draining.

I'm most at peace with my kids when I see them enjoying themselves without me. I love to see them at play, or in laughing conversation with others. I love sitting on the sidelines watching them do their thing. My heart jumps with pride when I see Tristan on the soccer field, or Marinda on the dance floor. I love to see them bloom and grow as seperate individuals, each in their own special way. And I love that they are a part of me that I get to see grow up!

What drains me is the constant effort that is needed to decide whether something is right or wrong, whether I should say yes or no, now or later, whether I should hug them or spank them.
Raising kids to me is being in a position of continually having to question myself.
What will we eat for dinner? Let's see, he likes this, she likes that. Last time we ate what he wanted, now I should pay more attention to what she wants. On the other hand, they should just eat what I serve.
Clean clothes? Do I or do I not pick up their laundry? Surely Marinda is old enough to wash her own clothes. But it's such a hassle, let me just do it. But then she'll never learn. Do I or do I not fold their clothes? Or just thrown them in a pile in her room? Should I or should I not clean their bedrooms? Should I should I not have that chat? Because it's past bedtime.. on the other hand, they're talking, that should be important too. Should I let them finish watching that tv program? They need their sleep, but they need to relax as well.
Do I or do I not ......Should I or should I not...

It's like a continual cycle of doubt and recrimination. Either recrimination of theirs, because they want things differently, or recrimination of mine, because I should have done things differently.

This continual questioning of myself, of the kids, wears me down, drains me, sucks the life right out of me.

That's why I work. Because work is as clear as a bell. My job, my responsibility. You don't like it? You can shove it. And that energizes me. Enough to give me the boost I need to cope with the endless questions I ask myself as I attempt to raise my kids.

Choir

Last night I went to a concert organized by the choir that my parents in law sing in. It was in a chapel about 5 kilometers from here. I had hoped to go with Marinda but... homework called!

I came into the church and found most of the back rows taken. Seeing as I actually wanted to see my parents in law, I ventured forth to the front seats. I actually ended up sitting by myself, about six rows to the back with nobody in front of me. Is that a dutch thing, to not want to sit in the front row?

The church was filled with grey heads and dark coats. Even though there were coathangers in the foyer, everybody kept their coats on. Is that also a dutch thing? To go into church looking like you're ready to run out at a moments notice? It wasn't due to the cold, because the heater was working!

I looked at the program and then sent Herman a rather desperate sms. This was supposed to be a Christmas concert and I only recognized two of the twenty songs! And the language! Here in this traditional, very very very traditional area great joy is found in singing old old songs. Written in ancient dutch. Comparable to singing hymns written in shakespearean english.
When I first came to Holland and went to church with Herman I would nudge him and ask for an explanation for every other word of the songs we were singing.

Eventually the choir came up and I got smiles of recognition from my parents in law. And then the music burst forth. Surprisingly good actually! I had expected a rather unprofessional set-up, but they sounded good! Old and traditional sure, but I still enjoyed it, despite the sonorous tones of the organ and the sloooooooooow tempo in which all was sung.
And I recognized enough of Silent Night to get at least some of the Christmas spirit.

That, and the tree which is standing unclothed in our living room, are the beginnings of Christmas in this house!

Singing

I love singing. I used to sing in the RVA choir, and I have sung in choirs here, but not very often. But I also like singing at home, loudly, falsely, in my miss piggy voice, or just melodically (or so I like to think). There's just a small problem. Not so much my problem, but a problem for my dear loving family members.
The thing is, I have singing dyslexia or something like that. Somehow I never know exactly what I am singing, so what comes out is often laughably ridiculous. Not that I think so, because I will keep singing it even if it makes no sense at all, just for the joy of having noise coming out of my mouth.
But nowadays I have to be very very careful about where I sing and what I sing. Because practically every single time either husband or children will look at me in dismay or simply burst into laughter. Today I was caught singing "silently, across my heart" instead of "sign your name, across my heart".

Yes, it does make more sense now.........
So I have to keep on the alert for when nobody is around so I can let go with a great blast of nonsensical songs. Now I find myself singing the first couple of words that I'm sure about and then tapering off to a na na na na which covers a multitude of verbal sins.

Today I'm thankful for a family that can laugh together. Though sometimes I wish it wasn't so often at my expense!

Hard Question

When was the last time you felt rich?

Now this question is open for interpretation. Rich could mean rich moneywise, or rich in experience, or rich with happiness, or richly fulfilled...whatever!
I'm going to see if I can answer this question at least two ways.
Moneywise, well, I have to go back to Ethiopia again! I do keep going on and on about our vacation there, don't I? Ah well.... good memories :-)

When I was on my road trip with my family it was an absolute delight and a joy to go out for breakfast, lunch and dinner and have not a care in the world about how much it cost. Really, not a care in the world. The food may not have been high quality (though nothing beats a good injera eaten locally!, and the coffee.... oh the coffee.... I don't think Starbucks can beat a good ethiopian macchiato, served in a thick mug or tall glass, drunk on a wiggly chair, surrounded by happily sipping, chomping and guzzling ethiopians....... sigh..........)
Now what was I saying?? Something about feeling rich I think. Well, all of the above mentioned pleasures cost next to nothing which greatly added to the amount of enjoyment involved!

Richly fulfilled? Those are snapshot moments. Taking a bike ride with my daughter, or by myself, spending time with family, enjoying creativity. These moments often come in a flash, a warm gush of happiness flooding my body, making my eyes water. They pass but leave a lingering sense of well being and a smile on my face.
And if I blog about them, they bring a smile to my face time and time again.

Second question

What would you still like to do?

One thing I'd like to do is to take a vacation by myself. The longest I've ever been by myself was a weekend at home without Herman and the kids, with nobody else around. For the rest I've always been in the company of others.

The thought of going alone terrifies and thrills me at the same time. I have gotten so used to sharing decisions that it gives me a thrill to think of going on vacation by myself and deciding what to do all by my lonesome! No other people to take into consideration, no other peoples opinions, needs or wants influencing my decision. And at the same time that kind of terrifies me. Because it can also be kind of easy letting part of what I do depend on what somebody else does. If I went on vacation by myself every decision would be my own. Where to go, what to eat, when to go to sleep, when to wake up... My goodness, that would really take some adjusting to!

That one weekend I was by myself I was quite happy and kind of surprised that I coped so well. I took great pleasure in leaving a room and coming back and finding it looking exactly the same. No kids messes, or somebody who had crawled into my corner of the sofa. I even cooked for myself, something I am kind of convinced I wouldn't do regularly if I had to do it all the time! But imagine the pleasure of making something that I particularly like and my family doesn't! Or eating at odd times, not taking into consideration whether or not my family is hungry.

The closest I have gotten to going on vacation alone was my road trip in Ethiopia. I was not alone, I was actually with my father, brother and sister, but it was just me. I wasn't also having to be a mom or a wife at the same time. And we had all the luxury of eating "out" and travelling and enjoying each others company. I loved it! But part of the enjoyment was also knowing that my family was well taken care of and that they were enjoying themselves. Nothing gives peace of mind like knowing that the home front is doing all right!

But one day, I would like to take a longer vacation by myself. Say a week or so. Long enough to enjoy the freedom, and also long enough to realize and look forward to what's waiting for me back home.

Lise

I once told my sister that I would blog “my life in Holland” for her, should she run out of inspiration….. so here goes.

I am Lise, her sister, mom of two (son of 6 and daughter 18 months), and a married 24/7 mom. What does that mean here in Holland? It means that you are usually unschooled, drink coffee with other 24/7 moms throughout the week and that your life consists of the kids.

Well, that last one hits the spot for me, because my life does consist of the kids 24/7. Then in the minutes in between I spend time helping out hubby dear with our own little (succesful) electrical company. Now I am at a point where I want to start picking up my life again and get to work as an OT (occupational therapist).

I forgot to mention that at the moment I am also a (frustrated) referee, trying to keep two kids happy with such a big age difference. Sunny boy just doesn’t get any peace because Sunshine is always on top of him; pinching, biting or hitting him. Sometimes I wonder what we got ourselves into with the big age gap between the kids.

My sister and I don’t have such a big age difference, 19 months, but our lives are so full of big contrasts. Here she has two teenagers…. here I am with little sprouts. The funny thing is that when I finally became a mom, I UNDERSTOOD her! I understood where the tiredness came from, the exasperation, the relationship difficulties etc… So now I am enjoying the fact that my sister knows what I go through now and again, because she had the same issues when her kids were younger. I am also jealous a lot of the time, because she is a free woman, doing her thing and having time to do her own thing, but my time will come in a couple of years. Just the fact that I can no longer call her at 8 in the morning in the weekends says enough; the whole household sleeps in in the weekend whereas we are up at 6.00 in the morning!

I guess my sister is just paving the way for me and making sure she is ahead of me, because I once in a while hear that she was in pain when I happened to have the first boyfriends…. 

A day with my sis

My kids and I spent the day with my sis and niece and nephew.
It was a lovely day.
I took the boys swimming, and then we came back home to one of my sisters delicious barbeques. (kudos to her hubby too!)


It was an amazingly warm october day. We were able to sit out in the pretty garden, feasting on good food and great weather, laughing kids and toasted marshmallows. It was one of those evenings that demands a great glass of wine and good conversation. One of those evenings that you wish the whole summer was made of.
Bliss.

Nieces and Nephews

Thoughts

Despite the busy times, the stress about my job, the lack of sleep, the house cleaning and whatever else gets put in my way to distract me, I have still managed to have some meaningful thoughts. Meaningful to me, that is.

I told Herman the other day that I was becoming more and more aware of the fact that this family needs me. Not so much a practical need, more an emotional need. Marinda likes to do things with me, Tristan could use more of a helping hand in coping with settling in here, my hubby likes my moral support and an encouraging presence. Why should this be new to me? It really isn't new, it's just something that I have often felt as a claim upon my time, instead of something that I can give freely.

This job of mine, which I'm not blooming in, has made me realize that my job (or how well I succeed at it) does not define me as much as I thought it does. When all is said and done, it's just a job. And it can be done just as well by anybody else. I have found out that I am capable of functioning without the acknowledgement and appreciation that I thrive on. That there is more to me than work, just as there is more to me than weight. I learned the weight thing a while ago (though that will often come back to haunt me I think), this lesson about work is the next thing to learn.

Learning this has made me more aware of that which really does matter. My family. My friends. It is more important to have a family functioning well, than to have a job functioning well. I think the balance has often been off in my life. Now I feel more of a desire to invest in my family, instead of feeling it to be a moral obligation. It changes how I look at things, and will hopefully make it easier for me to spend quality time with those I love.

Now, I think what I just wrote may sound pretty uncaring, unsympathetic, and maybe downright awful. In many ways I am or have been a degenerate mother and wife. (degenerate: a person who has declined, as in morals or character, from a type or standard considered normal). On the other hand, I have done my best with what I had, even if that falls or fell below the standards set for motherhood. Going through depression, being a young mother, struggling in our relationship and experiencing some of the side effects of being a TCK have not made things easier for me. It's not an excuse, but maybe it will make things more understandable to those of you who don't know me well.

It feels like my world is getting smaller, my dreams are growing smaller. Instead of longing for a bigger career which includes travel, I am now hoping to find a job closer to home so that I won't have to stress so much about the travel time. Instead of longing for big changes and challenges I'm looking forward to family dinners, movie nights, or moments like now, when my family is sitting on the couch together, watching tv, while kidding around, laughing and making jokes with each other. Togetherness, in the smallest way. Ultimately making it something big.

I think I will go and join them.

Kneusjes

I'm sitting behind the computer with a cup of hazelnut coffee. Herman is watching Walk the Line, his alltime favorite movie. It was actually the first movie that we saw together that we ended up talking about for a while afterwards!
Herman's clutching a heat pack and drinking some kind of disgusting stuff to clean out his insides. Because... we're going to the hospital later today. He's getting an internal exam so that the wise doctors can determine how bad his ulcerative colitis (IBD) is. I've already been to the doctor this morning with Tristan. He has an inflamed tendon by his ankle which is limiting his football playing capabilities. Marinda is going to the doctor tomorrow for persistant tiredness and some infections. We're a house full of "kneusjes" right now. I tried to find a translation for kneusjes but I don't think "losers" really covers it. It's more like we're a house full of weak, half handicapped people. Kneusjes! (pronounced kuhneusyes... I think?!?).
That was my dutch lesson for the day.

I feel the onset of a huge pity party for myself. Lack of sleep, sick people and a demanding job will do that. I should of course be feeling sorry for the sick people, but alas, I often end up feeling sorry for me instead :-(.
Or maybe I should give myself some credit. I do feel sorry for the others, but sometimes I have a hard time coping with the extra demands that are then made on my time and energy, and then I end up feeling sorry for myself.

Well, hidy ho! Now that I've written this down I will gather up my good cheer and return to being a (hopefully) supportive wife and mother :-)

One of those days

It was one of those days when nothing quite goes like you've planned. Couldn't get the kids up, had to really drag them out of bed. Then couldn't get myself up and moving. By the time I had mentally prepared myself for at least an attempt at housework one of my new friends popped by for coffee (which was just a great excuse for sitting down again and having a nice chat and letting all mental preparation flit away!).
Followed by lots of standing around, sitting down, taking a couple of steps, looking at dust, sighing a little, preparing some soapy water only to let it cool, aimless meandering around the house type of activitity. Which then led to an afternoon filled with driving back and forth to pick up broken bicycles, getting a present for my sister in law, birthday visit to aforementioned sil, rushed dinner, packing up for Tristans slumber party, more driving (which included long stretches of traffic jam).
Well... you probably get the picture.
And the poor sick people around me! Dear sister is struck down with a nasty infection, brother dear with a migraine, Herman sneezing his head off and as he himself said "leaking out of every orifice". My heart is with you all!

Another sunny day

Pretty

I got the two biggest birds from my dad for my birthday. We went for a bike ride and discovered a man selling them from a little roadside shed. It was his winter activity, he said. Summertimes he spent growing pumpkins , courgettes, potatos and sunflowers from the farmland behind the shed.
The little bird was given to us by a friend. It was made in Mozambique and sold here in a Fair Trade Store, where all kinds of native art is sold and the profits are used in developing countries.

They stand guard in my garden, on a corner of the lawn close to my kitchen, where I can keep an eye on them.

Vacation

Today, or maybe tomorrow, is the first official day of our vacation. Not that we're going anywhere...a move and a trip to Ethiopia have depleted our wallets for now. But we are free from work for three glorious weeks! To celebrate Herman is now slouched lopsided on the sofa, snoring away.
I took a long bike ride with my Dad today which included farm lanes, a bicycle ferry, views of the lake, an old village, a museum, and more farm lanes, all within 30 kilometers (which was about the length of our round trip). No need to get bored in this area of Holland!

We will spend the coming weeks fixing up the garden, clearing out the attic, celebrating birthdays, having great friends over, going swimming, catching up on our photograph albums (so very very optimistic of us) and sleeping, sleeping and sleeping. Marinda will work at the ice cream place and I will manfully try to keep Tristan from spending too much time behind the computer and the tv. A battle I feel I have already lost.
I'm not sure how much I will be posting. Lately I've noticed it takes more effort than usual, and I feel I might be ranting and raving a bit too much. So I'm giving myself the leeway to blog if I feel like it, and not blog because I "must" (I mean, it's not like anyones life depends on me writing about whatever happens to hit my fancy!)

Now before I forget, I would like to praise my husband to the skies for being the very very handy man that he is. He took leftover laminate flooring from the bedrooms and transformed it into a huge desk/storage space in the attic (with lighting underneath!!). He bought a secondhand bookcase and rebuilt it to fit underneath the eaves of the attic. He hangs up stuff, fixes stuff and pretty much caters to our every handyman whim. I love him. (Ik hou van jou Herman!)

Have a good summer everyone!