Despite the busy times, the stress about my job, the lack of sleep, the house cleaning and whatever else gets put in my way to distract me, I have still managed to have some meaningful thoughts. Meaningful to me, that is.

I told Herman the other day that I was becoming more and more aware of the fact that this family needs me. Not so much a practical need, more an emotional need. Marinda likes to do things with me, Tristan could use more of a helping hand in coping with settling in here, my hubby likes my moral support and an encouraging presence. Why should this be new to me? It really isn't new, it's just something that I have often felt as a claim upon my time, instead of something that I can give freely.

This job of mine, which I'm not blooming in, has made me realize that my job (or how well I succeed at it) does not define me as much as I thought it does. When all is said and done, it's just a job. And it can be done just as well by anybody else. I have found out that I am capable of functioning without the acknowledgement and appreciation that I thrive on. That there is more to me than work, just as there is more to me than weight. I learned the weight thing a while ago (though that will often come back to haunt me I think), this lesson about work is the next thing to learn.

Learning this has made me more aware of that which really does matter. My family. My friends. It is more important to have a family functioning well, than to have a job functioning well. I think the balance has often been off in my life. Now I feel more of a desire to invest in my family, instead of feeling it to be a moral obligation. It changes how I look at things, and will hopefully make it easier for me to spend quality time with those I love.

Now, I think what I just wrote may sound pretty uncaring, unsympathetic, and maybe downright awful. In many ways I am or have been a degenerate mother and wife. (degenerate: a person who has declined, as in morals or character, from a type or standard considered normal). On the other hand, I have done my best with what I had, even if that falls or fell below the standards set for motherhood. Going through depression, being a young mother, struggling in our relationship and experiencing some of the side effects of being a TCK have not made things easier for me. It's not an excuse, but maybe it will make things more understandable to those of you who don't know me well.

It feels like my world is getting smaller, my dreams are growing smaller. Instead of longing for a bigger career which includes travel, I am now hoping to find a job closer to home so that I won't have to stress so much about the travel time. Instead of longing for big changes and challenges I'm looking forward to family dinners, movie nights, or moments like now, when my family is sitting on the couch together, watching tv, while kidding around, laughing and making jokes with each other. Togetherness, in the smallest way. Ultimately making it something big.

I think I will go and join them.

3 reacties:

Dori said...

I remember feeling so sorry for myself on my 35th birthday, weeping and whining on poor husband's shoulder--is this it? Is this all I am? I was supposed to be so much more than this. Whaaaaaah. Then on my way to bed I stopped in to check on my son (as I have done every single night of his life)and standing there, watching him sleep and realizing my role in his life, I discovered that, yeah, this was all there was--but, wow, what an amazing life I've had and have. And I was okay with it. What a liberating experience!

Anonymous said...

Wow Marit and Dori, Thanks!

Dori said...

Oh...there's some bloggie love for you over at my place!

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