Cancellation

The other day I cancelled my subscription to two newsletters that have internationally oriented jobs in them.
That statement may not sound very exciting, interesting, stimulating or important in any way at all to anyone but me.
See, for the last couple of years I have been avidly searching for my dream job. I had high hopes of finding a job which meant that I would be able to do some travelling and be able to incorporate some of how I grew up into my work. I have given up. Or maybe that's not the right thing to say. I seem to have lost my drive. And that's happened since I went back to Ethiopia this Christmas. And I can't seem to put into words exactly why it is that this dream of mine has disappeared. I do know that it's left me feeling slightly lost and out of wack. Like some essential part of me has gone missing or something.
Maybe just being back in Ethiopia has helped put some missing pieces into place. I felt that I would be filling a gap in my life by finding an internationally oriented job. In Ethiopia I discovered that I didn't want to neccesarily live there, I just wanted to feel at home. Just being there felt perfectly right and yet I knew that moving there would not make that feeling last forever. And searching for my dream job would also probably not give me that same feeling of belonging. I guess that feeling goes much farther than simply location or activitities. It has something to do with what goes on inside me, something that I can often be quite clueless about.
So, for now, I will get involved in my new job. I'm quite comfortable there, and much less insecure than I thought I would be. I even tell jokes, and have people laugh! It does feel strange and uncomfortable not knowing what I am moving towards. I have no dreams, no vision for my life right now and I don't particularly like that.

2 reacties:

Dori said...

Holy Cow! I could have written that post! I honestly think it has everything to do with our "3rd cultureness"...the wanting something more. I remember facing those demons when I went home for Christmas a number of years ago.

I'm so glad the job is working out! Isn't it nice to have people laugh with you instead of at you?!

André said...

Marit, ik vind je een bikkel. Ben blij te horen dat je werk lekker loopt en dat je zeker bent van jezelf. Go girl!!

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