Lesson learned?

While typing my titel, I discovered I've used this titel before. Now I must go and check to see if I'm going to be repeating myself.....
Ahhh... I see I won't be repeating myself. Evidently there are enough lessons for me to be learning!!

Today at work I had a talk with my manager (the one who is leaving). Partly it was about a new job opening in the organisation, and partly it was about the work I do now. I was absolutely furious by the time our talk was finished. Angry enough to cry (which I then proceeded to do). Let's see if I can explain this. For the FIRST TIME since I work there I got the feeling that my manager was giving me direction in my work. She was telling me what I should be doing and how I should go about doing it. That's fine by me, but what really angered me is that it took this long, and that while telling me she managed to make me feel like she had told me this long ago and that I had allowed myself to become frozen in place in this job. Now she's right about the frozen part, I really have lost a lot of initiative. And I don't have any sense of direction, and I don't feel any appreciation for what I've been doing. But why wait until now to give me a kick up the ass!! What's with that?!? And excuse me, but I have been asking for exactly what she's finally giving me!!!

But that's my anger and frustration and lack of recognition speaking. The lesson learned is that I just can't afford to wait for people to tell me what to do, to give me a sense of direction, to give me affirmation and recognition. I have to do that for myself. Otherwise I turn into a wuss who is incapable of making decisions. My attitude towards this job was not to make any big decisions until I had at least checked with my manager, and to follow her lead. That waiting, and the lack of recognition has just about drained all my energy. So her kick in the butt and my resulting anger have at least energized me into thinking "what the hell! I'm not waiting for anybody anymore. I'm just going to do what I think is right and you all will just have to live with the consequences!" No more waiting around for affirmation or recognition, I just have to do as I see fit and trust my own judgement. (which, by the way, can be pretty darn good!!)

SO THERE!!! (almost, but not quite, sticking out my tongue here!!)

This awful self-doubt that creeps in every now and again is just terrible. When, when, when, will I finally learn that I am a competent woman who knows her mind and who does not need to be dependent on other peoples direction or affirmation!?!

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