It's midnight. Marinda has taken over my side of our bed, because she wasn't feeling well. I'm not feeling too great myself. My head is just spinning with all kinds of thoughts and questions and insecurities and fears and anxieties. So I thought I'd get out of bed and see if writing would help.
Today I realized that what's really getting to me right now is the total insecurity of where we are going to. I can handle a lot of shit, to put it bluntly. Like having a son with hemofilia who is also going bald, like having a husband who has been sick a lot of the years of our marriage, like having to struggle to make a marriage work, like having a real hard time knowing how to raise my kids, like having my son operated on 4 times, like 8 years of sleepless nights, like combining college, moving and a new job all within two months, like dealing with depression and so forth and so on. But somehow this seems to be defeating me. I think it's because I have no perspective. Herman knows what he's looking forward to, his dream job! I have no idea what the future is going to bring. No house, no job, no schools for the kids as of yet, no clue as to what I am going to be doing and a strong feeing of financial insecurity. And that is pretty much driving me insane. I can deal with things as long as I have a grip on them. But I have no grip on our current situation which means my stress levels are sky high. And I can't help but worry and wonder and WAIT, and I hate that!
I feel fine as long as I can DO something. But now I feel like all the things that I want to get done are on hold until we at least know where we're going to live. And I have no idea how to deal with this feeling of powerlessness.
Suggestions anyone?
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Marit! This all sounds so familiar, the emotions you are going through. As it was exactly what I was feeling the first 2 months of Moroto. All I can say is slowly the pieces of the puzzle will fall into their place. You will rediscover your strength in coping as I can reassure you it hasn´t all of a sudden abandoned you! It´s all going to work out one way or other. I am not much good at advice but know that in all these emotions don´t loose sight of who you have become through all your trials and tribulations. A strong woman! Try not to loose sight of the big picture of where this adventure is going to take you as a family (new possibilities, new people, new dynamics, new challenges). And in all this don´t forget to take care of yourSELF as well!
Izoush (amharic for take courage) Marit didi,
Joy
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