I was just looking through Tristans photograph albums, of the first two years of his life, and I'm just overcome with a feeling of regret. Looking at the pictures and smiling at the memories also reminds me of how hard it is to treasure the moment when it's there, instead of living life automatically and routinely. I wish I wasn't so handicapped by my drive to plan things, my need to look forward and be ambitious all the time. I wish I could would have treasured those moments in the pictures at that moment, instead of looking at them now with longing in my heart. I wonder what it is that keeps me so driven to look forward instead of relaxing and enjoying the here and now.
Maybe that's one of the hardest things in life to learn. To take what you have and treasure it and let ambition and longing and desires rest for a while. I know it's a major struggle of mine. I struggle with discontent and disappointment, the feeling that life owes me more than what it's given me. And yet when I look back, I can see the moments of enjoyment that have been there which have been clouded by my own lack of insight into them.
Somebody quoted Kierkegaard to me the other day: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” It's painfully true!
The hope lies in this: that which is understood when looking backwards can then be applied to living forwards. In other words, the choices I make now will affect the way I look back later.

1 reacties:

Anonymous said...

Hey Marit didi, I can so identify with this blog you wrote. I find myself also always looking ahead being ambitious and never content with what I have achieved because I believe I can do better.
Chris is always memorizing and he relives moments in the past, and I spend time worrying about the future. Something that really became prominent in the past two months. I am working on it!
Your little sis

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